23rd December 2011

I'm very lonely right now.

I keep seeing people posting on Facebook about the great time they're having with their friends at home, and how everyone is trying to grab time with them and whatnot.

I've been home almost a week and I haven't heard anything from any of my "friends."

I've told people I'm here, and it's even all over Facebook. But not a single person from school or college has acknowledged we are within a few minutes of each other.

I have had an invite from Vicky to play minecraft and have hot chocolate, but I don't think she realises the Uni situation. She said it because I happened to make a big fuss of her now playing the game.

The only person I really have is Luke. But he is a 30 minute drive away and, if we even had a car, it'd be difficult for me to go see him. And although he has a car, it's even more difficult/risky for him to come here.

I feel very let down by a certain girl who I won't name because I don't like to look bitchy. But I need to vent and get my thoughts/feelings out. It's not like anyone reads this, and if they are and they know who I mean, then I don't think they will tell her. But maybe it will be good if they do. I'm very bad at confronting people or expressing how I feel if they have upset me. That's why things have gotten this bad. So although I am about to type about how upset I am, I know that I am just as much to blame as she is.

In the second year of college, she changed a lot. She has always been fairly materialistic. Don't get me wrong, she's a very loving person and wouldn't trade her friends for the world, but there's no denying that as well as the people she loves, money and all the latest gadgets make her very happy too. I noticed this when we were in school, but it seemed to be in our second year of college that it stepped up a gear. I suppose the two highest contributing factors were her 18th birthday and therefor getting a large amount of money, and also her getting very close to a girl whose family is a lot more well off than her own.

Because of that, she went out more. She went drinking, on day trips, bought and received random gifts, etc. These were all things I could not do. I don't like drinking, and I wasn't allowed to go out because of my dad, and I couldn't afford all of these expensive gifts.

We drifted. The closer she got to the other girl, the further apart we got. Things especially got worse because I couldn't go on holiday with a group of them. During that summer I barely saw her. She was going to Uni and I had another year at college. I cried a lot that summer because I didn't have anyone. I missed her and I dreaded her leaving because at least I got to see her every so often. It may not have been much, but it was something.

I went to visit her a week after she moved to Uni because it was my birthday. I had a nice weekend but I can't help but feel she didn't enjoy it as much as when she's spent time with the other girl. I saw that when she went up to visit, they did a lot of other things and there are so many photos of them together looking so happy.

That college year actually turned out to be my best in the end. Although I spoke to her less and less, I got closer and closer to Luke. He became my rock. When things were hectic, I only had to look forward to our next maths lesson together and I felt alright. We helped each other a lot academically and he helped me a lot emotionally. I also had Marko to help me, but it was different with Luke because it was only friendship. We didn't really talk much about personal stuff to begin with. He just made me happy by being good company. And that was something I had completely lost with anyone else.

When my friend came home for Christmas, I barely saw her. She spent all her time with the other girl. The time I got with her felt like it was slotted in between her plans with the other girl. I did try to tell her how I felt. But she received the message while she was on her way to the cinema to meet the other girl, and took a detour to pick me up and invite me into their plans. I know she meant well, but it only proved my point. I had no idea of these plans before so she clearly had no intention of inviting me, and I was literally slotted in smack bang in the middle. 

I've just realised it's made me sound like I don't like the other girl... I got on well with her too. The whole group we had at college in our second year was great and I loved them all dearly. But there were definite splits within the group where some people got on more than others, and those two were one of them.

Another example is from her last birthday. We went to Alton Towers. It took a lot for me to get the money to go and I hadn't got her a birthday present, so while we were there, I used some of the money that my nan gave me for Easter to buy her anything she wanted in the gift store. She still made a big fuss about the fact that I hadn't got her anything beforehand and that it was a "cop out" for me to get her something while we were there.

I honestly would have thought that the important part was that I was there. That I'd put in a lot of effort to fight against my dad to allow me to go as well as to afford to even go in the first place. But of course, the other girl had outshone me in the present department and that was all that mattered.

The summer that just passed was another relatively lonely one. It was very stressful because of domestic issues as well as university and my relationship and all sorts of other emotional stresses. I barely saw her. She went on two big holidays abroad with the the girl. Now how in the world could I have possibly competed with that?

I wanted to do the maths course at the same Uni as her. It's a good Uni and a good course, and at first it was a bonus she was there. It was also a bonus that Marko was close by. But with everything happening, I couldn't do it anymore.

I found a better course and it happened to be at the Uni that Luke applied for. He even thought it looked like an awesome course so I knew I'd found a winner. 

As hurt and broken as I am over losing one best friend, I am grateful to have gained another, and to be able to be at university with him. It's the best decision I've ever made. The course, although I am going off maths, is amazing and has now led me onto something even better for my second year, and I have met some amazing people, James included.

The pain that has been caused as a consequence is unfortunate and hurts me a lot, and I regret some things so bitterly because of it.

But I hope to fix a lot of things in time. Very slowly. But I don't believe my former friendship with her is something that can be fixed now. She's a very different person to those that I want to surround myself with. I don't care for money or the latest gadgets or clothes or trips to musicals or whatever. I care for sentiment and effort. Fair enough that sometimes that involves buying a gift... But for someone to expect gifts is wrong.

I still worry that she's ok if I see something is wrong on Facebook, but most of the time I barely think of her now. Only when I miss the time that she actually cared about me and not about excitement and presents.

But then I have to wonder whether things really would have been any different if I'd have spoken up a bit more. It's only been the last few months that I've found my voice and told people when I'm not happy. And some things haven't been affected by it but others have change drastically. I wonder if this situation would have been any different whether I'd have said more or not.

Oh well... Enough blabbering. Basically, I'm lonely. I miss my friends at Uni and I miss James. I also miss Marko. Even all the hours we sat in silence, at least we weren't alone.

Another thing... I've just pasted all of this into the new post box and wrote the title and thought to myself "Christmas is in two days..."

It makes me wonder what she's looking forward to. Being at home with her parents, or the mountain of presents she will be getting? I don't get presents. I haven't for years. I mean, my mum tries to get little things, like chocolates, and my nan always gives us money. But it's pennies compared to what she gets. And I'm fine with it. Last Christmas was the worst Christmas of my life. I got the same as every year, but we didn't spend it with the family or have Christmas dinner. I hated it and cried most of the day away. This year I get to be with my family and I am so grateful for that. And this new year I get to spend it with James and his family. I feel incredibly lucky to have that opportunity and I honestly cannot wait.

Okay I'm making myself cry now. That's enough of my depressing crap for one blog post...

Edit: one more thing, I just remembered, as a demonstration of her materialism.... At Easter, as I'd spent my money on Alton Towers, I didn't get her an Easter egg. You must bare in mind that she was the only person since school that I ever bought Christmas, birthday or Easter gifts for. That year I'd not gotten her an egg. I was at her house and she showed me the egg she had bought the other girl. She also showed me the one she'd got herself and her parents. I figured she wasn't showing me mine as she wanted it to be a surprise. I'm not saying I expected one, of course, but it seemed logical that if she was buying them for those close to her, that I would be included. It turned out that because she knew I hadn't got her one... She didn't get me one either.

Needless to say, it hurt me a lot that I was simply disregarded because I could not keep up with her and the other girl's spending habits.

8th December 2011

I am SO angry right now. Just SO SO SO angry.

It takes a lot to make me this angry. Beyond the point that I'd usually be in tears by now.

When I get pissed off, I cry. But I'm just SO FREAKING beyond that.

I know that I have very little right to be this angry, though. I can't help it. I'll be blunt, I'm on my period. I usually get tearful and sad, but this time I am just grumpy and that grumpiness has turned into pure anger.

It's not unprovoked, mind you. I made a request for a small private detail about me to be taken off of someone's blog, even though they didn't mention me by name, but no, that was just too much to ask.

Huge arguments later and I've just given up. I've upset them AGAIN and I'm angry with myself for that more than anything tbh!! I just give up. I'm not even going to try to reassure them because I'm so furious with myself and I'll just cock it up even more.

SERIOUSLY GET A FUCKING GRIP YASMIN.

Anger = not healthy.

5th December 2011

My laptop is being temperamental and I don't fancy doing an awful lot so I thought while I'm just lying in bed waiting for my phone to do something interesting, I'll write a blog post.

Once again I have forgotten what I posted in the previous one so I'm sorry if I repeat anything. Although, I'm not sure who I'm apologising to because no one reads this unless I specifically ask them to, and I'm also going to ramble on about something that's on my mind right now which I don't believe I've written about recently.

So yeah. Death. Fun topic to write about. Even more of a fun topic to read about. So once again I apologise to you, my lovely non-existent readers.

One of my friends posted a status on Facebook about some friends dying and how it's made him feel, and that we should enjoy the time we have with those close to us as they may not be there tomorrow. This has made me feel very appreciative of my life and those that are currently in it and have been in it, as well as making me feel upset and dreading the future.

I know this was not the intended effect but I can't help but feel the power of that reality. Absolutely anything could happen tomorrow and my life could turn around in a split second. My mum could get hit by a bus. My dad could be in a car crash. My brother could be stabbed. Luke could drown. James could... No, I'm going to stop there because I'm actually making myself cry now. But you see? Even just throwing out random examples, which are scarily plausible, make me completely dread what tomorrow has to bring.

I have already made a blog post about all of the people that died at the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011, so I won't go into detail about them now. But briefly referring to them - I was quite fortunate that although I knew of them and some played bigger parts in my life than others, none of them were a crucial part to my existence. It may be a bit dramatic to say this, but the people I named above in my examples (as well as a few others like my nan, aunt, cousins, etc.) define who I am and get me through each and every day. They are my life and I know that if I were to lose any of them, I'd lose a part of myself too. And I can say this with absolute certainty because it happened when my granddad died.

I miss him dearly and I know I should celebrate his life and what he has done for me and my family, and I'm not saying that I don't, but it is very hard to ignore the hole in my heart which he once filled.

I know that it's probably not long until I also lose my nan. And this thought terrifies me. It's hard enough to think about the possibility of any of us dying at any moment, but even worse when you expect it. It does not matter that she is 70 years old. A successful life does not depend on how long you have lived it, but how well it has been lived. Despite saying that and knowing that she and my granddad have had happy and, to them, fulfilling lives, it's still such a horrible thought to imagine that life being taken away. And so soon within my own life.

A lot of what I'm thinking about is selfish but I cannot help that. I don't want to lose anyone. I cherish every moment I have with them, but I want to have even more moments to cherish!

I'm going to now round off this part and go back to general blogging about my day to day life because I have really upset myself and I need to snap out of it.

Today I managed to finish my second POPS assignment. I wrote 4.5k words for a report, personal log and evaluation. Proud of myself, although I know some of it is complete crap. But I'll be happy with just passing. Anything above D- and I'm going to celebrate like I've won the lottery.

I've now got to do Mathematical Concepts for Monday, then POPS assignment 3 and the Programming Principles one for the 16th. So just under 2 weeks to get everything done - wheeeyy!

Tomorrow is the DCGS Christmas Party. Basically an evening of food, music and video games. And hopefully lots of giggles with my friends. Then next Monday is their Christmas Meal. I'm looking forward to a proper roast. The last one I had was at James's nan's and it reminded me how much I love them. I'm even going to have gravy with it!

But yeah, speaking of James, I miss him like mad. After spending basically 3 weeks together (minus the two days of me coming back to derby from his, before he came to derby too), it has been very difficult to adjust back to being on my own. It's been two weeks since he left and I'm still struggling. A lot.

I have to go home for Christmas, if for no other reason than my mum needs me. But I'm hopefully going to spend a few days around new year with James. Failing that, as it is just a [4 hour] bus ride to get to him, I could go for a day. I'm more likely to get away with that without my dad giving me hell for a billion years. Or even go one day, stay the night and come back the next. Hmmm do that on a weekend and get Sunday Roast... *drool* ... Ahem. Yeah. Whatever happens, I want plenty of cuddles and kisses, no matter how long I get with him.

And on that slightly happier note, I'll end this post there. Ciao for nao.

20th November 2011

I haven't blogged on here for a long time. I haven't even looked at the blog so I can't remember what the last thing I posted was. I'm just going to do a massive ramble and see where this goes.

I am now at Derby university studying Mathematical and Computer Studies. However, for my second year I am most likely transferring to Computing (although I think it's having a name change to Computer Science).

University has been the best thing to happen to me for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that I have enjoyed my independence and having my own space. Another is that I've thrived and re-discovered an old interest which was a hobby at the time, but may become something more in the future (programming, for those interested). I have also made some awesome friends and had some great times with them.

Moving onto the main reason: James Hunt. When I was waiting for my offer from Derby through clearing, I searched videos about the uni on youtube. James had made a comical student guide and I commented on it, which led to us talking and becoming close. He's on his placement year so not actually studying at the university again until next September.

I unfortunately cheated on Marko with James, and have since got into a relationship with him.

We've been together for 2 months now, and he's just gone back home after spending 2 weeks here with me. I feel really lost now that he's gone, and although I have a lot of work to do and some tidying and laundry and whatnot, I just can't get the motivation to do it because I'm moping.

During that moping I accidentally stumbled across Marko's tumblr again, and read something about what I have supposedly done to him. He says I cheated on him over a month and he begged me to stop every day. I don't know why, but I feel the need to set the record straight. I cheated on him, I told him a day or two later, and I called for a break in the relationship. We were no longer together when I then saw James again and things progressed with him. Therefore, I cheated on him for one day, not an entire month before ending things with him. I also don't appreciate him putting a certain personal detail in his blog about me... but whatever. No point in being petty, is there?

It also states that I begged to keep him in my life. Yes, I did to begin with, because we were good friends and I don't like the thought of losing people in my life. But the way he has put it has made it sound like it was all an act, or done so that I could be horrible to him more. I didn't deliberately hurt him and I didn't enjoy it either. I went from being a good girlfriend and friend in general to his worst nightmare in a mere few days, and that is heart breaking for me. I know what I've done to him which makes it even worse for me. So I know there could be no hope in hell that I'd ever do that to someone deliberately.

Anyway, I suppose I better try do some work as I have to do a presentation in a few days and it's nowhere near finished...

6th September 2011

Well, I failed at finishing the previous post. I'm afraid it's going have to stay like that now.

I was going to mention I had been looking up things to do with Derby, which included videos on youtube... So I'll put it all here instead. I came across a video made by a student, which had a plug for the Computing and Gaming Society. I loved the video and loved the sound of the guy who'd made it, especially as Luke and I had already been stalking the society's website. But yeah, I got talking to him. His name is James and he has become a very good friend.

Unfortunately things have deteriorated with Marko because of this. Well, it was the final push to cause things to really kick off.

I met up with James and I had the best day ever. I felt so happy, comfortable, appreciated, etc. It was perfect. I would post photos but I'm doing this on my phone so I can't right now.

So anyway...

Actually, I'm going to address the rest to Marko. We are having a few days completely apart, including deleting each other off of Facebook, to see what happens. I have this weird feeling that he will come on this blog, so yeah...

Marko, I am sorry for everything that has happened. But I am mostly sorry for how little I regret it. I did have an amazing time and I do wish for more. My biggest regret is what it is doing to you. I am ashamed to now be able to say I have actually cheated on you, and when you have told people about it, it hurts a lot to realise that. But I really do not feel any shame for the act itself. It was with a guy who really cares for me, and for who I really care about, and it all felt very natural and right.

I don't believe I can get back with you. I do love you. You are one of my best friends and first loves. I adore you and care about you, so I will always be here for you. I want the best for you, and despite what you think, I KNOW that it is not me. I'm not saying it in my usual "I'm just putting myself down because I'm insecure" way, I'm saying it from a standing back looking in position. I've spent a lot of the day just looking at what our relationship was, who you are, who I am, etc. and I just don't believe I am the one for you.

There is also something I need to mention just to get it out while I think of it... As I said before, I feel comfortable with James. I don't mean to hurt you with this, but I don't feel comfortable with who I am with you. Mostly about my appearance really. I feel under pressure to look or think a certain way with you. That's why I hate showing you my body and also why I am very scared to see you in person. I don't sit right in my own skin just at the thought of you seeing me. Whereas with James, although I was initially worried he'd be disappointed, I was still comfortable enough to see him and after the first few seconds I felt fine. There were obviously moments where I got shy about my body but it was more from an inexperienced point than a "I really don't want you to look at me" way. 

I don't want you to do anything stupid to yourself. You are an intelligent guy, with a lot of potential and a new job which although isn't as great as you could do, it can still open up a lot of opportunities. And as you said, you can do it from anywhere. I still want you to come visit me at uni and I will still come up to see you. I want to remain close because it does hurt to think I've lost you. But right now I just can't be in a relationship with you. I need to be me, to experience things for myself and to grow up/mature.  And I want you to do the same. You've had a very rough start in life, and things are still really hard, so I want you to do the best you can to make the most of what you have. And you do still have me. Always. I'm not going anywhere, it's just we are taking a step back. We are no longer in a relationship but instead are incredibly good friends. I still want to have ridiculously long skype calls with you, and some nights even sleep on mic with you. I want to play games with you, watch movies and tv shows, discuss current affairs, debate religion and politics, etc. The only thing I no longer feel is right to do is be a couple. Though I wouldn't argue against you cooking for me if you still want to!

I hope you will be ok. I am so sorry for all of this. As you always say to me... Chin up <3 you will be ok. You do still have me!

27th August 2011

I've been meaning to update this but any time I start, I get distracted and then some how lose everything I've already typed.

Lets give it another go then!

I got my results just over a week ago. B in Maths, D in Physics and E in Further Maths... aha. But that means for my A2 subjects I have BCD (C from Sociology last year). It wasn't enough for UCLan, and I couldn't even get onto tracking to see whether I'd got a place at Sheffield Hallam (which I didn't actually want to go to anyway) so I rang Derby.

I'd been looking at different courses just in case for weeks, and had found Mathematical and Computer Studies at Derby. I fell in love with the course and I am so glad I was prepared. I was offered a place through clearing, and now it's all confirmed and I've got accommodation and all that jazz!

I leave in three weeks (well, tomorrow). The only sorta meh thing about it is that I'm going the day before my birthday. It would have been nice to have stuck around at home for my birthday. BUT it could be fun to be around a load of new people too, so yeah...

The major downfall about not getting into Preston is that I won't be close to Marko. We were banking on me moving up there. We were also banking on me staying with him for at least a week when I first get up there (as I could commute to the uni for important things) and then staying at his every weekend, or every other if I couldn't afford it. We've had so many small arguments and got niggly with eachother lately, because I don't know when I can go up there. There's obviously the issue of money on both our parts, but also the time. He could come down here now that I'm at my nan's, but he can't stay here and obviously he can't afford a hotel... I'm sure we will work something out. If I have enough free days during freshers fortnight I will try get up to see him.

But yeah, speaking of being at my nan's.... We've finally left home for good. There was a huge physically fight between my dad and brother and a lot of nasty words thrown about, and that was that... My mum, brother and I got up and left. It's been a bumpy couple of weeks and things are still getting worse, but at least we're not living among it 24/7. We've got our safety and relief here. I just wish I had all my stuff here too! GAH!

I'll type some more up later. I'm posting this now so that I don't lose it. *distracted*

10th August 2011

Marko: It's okay, I'm a big boy... In more ways than one. 

Me: Yeah, your big cuddly tummy.

Marko: Like your big cuddly boobs. 

Me: .... And your big nuzzle-able nose?

Marko: I'll nuzzle my big nose on your clit. 


O_O uhh.....

27th June 2011

Well... Fail @ my last post. I was trying out an app which obviously doesn't know the meaning of new lines. I'll edit that the next time I'm on a computer.

I've been watching loads of Yogscast minecraft videos the last few days. Hooked on them! And it's really made me want to take part in making a role play server. 

I think I prefer making and organising role playing than actually doing it. When Marko and I were organising the slothix/playwow ones it was really fun, but I was less enthusiastic about actually doing them! So I'd rather be someone helping out building and then being an "extra" to watch it all unfold and help it move on, than to fully take part in it when it gets going.

CBA writing much more. Time for bed! I'll end this with a couple of things from skype convos that made me giggle. 



My brother:

Bibo 17:04
weeeyyyy its cracked the 3rd decimal place of pie

yazpanda 17:04
Pi*

Bibo 17:05
pie

yazpanda 17:05
Pi*

Bibo 17:05
pie

yazpanda 17:05
Pi*

Bibo 17:05
Pi*

yazpanda 17:05
pie

Bibo 17:05
i win!

Bibo 17:05
yey

yazpanda 17:05
Yay*

Bibo 17:05
yey

yazpanda 17:05
Yay*

Bibo 17:05
yey

yazpanda 17:05
Yay*

Bibo 17:05
Yay*

yazpanda 17:06
YOUR MUM

Bibo 17:06
crying face

yazpanda 17:06
^_^

Bibo 17:06
im gona go have a kebab with jonny :)

yazpanda 17:06
Is that what they call it nowadays?



Discussing G+:

yazpanda 15:56
Yeah :) and it's nice to be a part of it when it's still a baby

Akki 15:57
you can get arrested for that sorta thing you know ;) :P

26th July 2011

Yesterday was fun. It took over 2 hours to get to Stamford because we went to Spalding to pick Emma up, then Cottesmore to get Aileen. In total Jade did 4-5 hours driving! She did very very well for a new driver! But yeah, once we got to Stamford I fell out of the car which highly amused Emma. I ought to tell her I've now got two lovely bruised knees! Then we had a quick visit to New Look before heading to the meadows for our picnic. The picnic itself wasn't very successful because Emma managed to sit on some wet grass and Jade managed to sit under a load of flies. Although, it was interesting watching a youth group play some weird games, but not so interesting spotting two separate kids going for a piss. After getting sick of the flies we got up to find somewhere else to sit and ended up heading towards a free bench.... Which had no seats. So after getting rid of the rubbish we started walking through the adjoining field just chatting and wandering through... When we decided to turn back and head to town in the hunt for ukuleles. We had seen one of the youth group guys playing one while having our picnic and while walking we said how cool it'd be if we all got one as they were only around £20. So yeah, we walked to the nearest music shop..... But they were £30+! Aileen then suggested Argos so that was our next destination. Argos had one pink and one natural ukulele left, so Jade bought the pink and Emma bought the natural. I am quite jealous because they look so cute and fun, but thinking about it.. I don't I'd ever really play with it! After that we went to Aileen's house for a while and then dropped Emma home then back to Peterborough. I was very tired when I got back because I didn't get much sleep and later in the evening I started getting a migraine. It took 4 hours for me to get to sleep, though! Today I'm feeling a little sore. My shoes are broken at the bottom so with all the walking yesterday it's hurt the bottom of my feet. And my head hurts a bit from last night. I also feel a bit meh. My laptop has been dead for over a week now and I'm waiting for the charger to arrive. It said it'd be here last Friday/Saturday so I'm slightly annoyed at that, especially as the laptop my brother gave me to use in the meantime doesn't even work properly. I don't know what to do with myself. I should really tidy my room and start sorting out packing but I just can't be bothered today. Meerrhhhhh...

23rd July 2011

It's always nice to know how successful your ex's life has been since you left it.

Anyway.... Went to the cinema on Tuesday with Jade, James M and my brother. We watched the final Harry Potter movie. Second time I've cried in the cinema now! It was a really good movie. The only thing I wasn't too happy about was the dismissal of deaths. Well, for the Deathly Hallows in general, they didn't focus enough on those that had died. I know there's a huge limit on time and what they can realistically fit into the movie(s) but I really don't think they handled it well. I don't want to give any spoilers away (not that I have anyone reading this for me to spoil anything for them anyway =/) but I just felt like they either mentioned the deaths, did a sad face and then carried on with the film with very little thought or reference back to that person... or they showed a small sad scene with some 'noooooo's, crying and hugging... and again, that was that. Nothing more said or done about it. Whereas when a certain little elf died... Okay, how could anyone NOT know Dobby dies? Everyone's made a fuss about it. Even I had and I hadn't seen part 1 until Monday!!.. but yeah, look at what a huge fuss has been made over that? And why? Because it was a huge thing in the film. They even had a little ceremony for him! But we didn't see anything like that for anyone else. Or any*thing* else. There's a certain other animal that I wish they'd have given a proper send off to. Although at the time it was a bit too dangerous. But she was so beautiful and loyal and brave and I don't feel like they honoured her properly in the film!

Kay shutting up now.

12th July 2011

This is going to be a long one.

Since my last exam, I went into college a couple of days later and spent the day with Luke. A majority of the day was spent in the same two seats, watching nigahiga on youtube and the Digimon movie. It was a very nice day and definitely a good end to a great college year.

Things went a little downhill from there, though. Many times I've had to cancel plans all due to issues at home. I've only been off two weeks now and I feel like I've done a years worth of arguing. But I did manage to go to the cinema with Jade, Emma and a few others last Tuesday and yesterday I spent most of the day at Lucy's house with her, Luke and Nic. I'll ramble on about that in a minute, though. First I'm gonna ramble on about Minecraft.

A few months ago a few of my old school friends started getting into minecraft and talking about it on facebook, and then started talking to me about it, and we said it'd be really cool to have a minecraft "party", where we go to someone's house and play together, making something big and epic. We then made it an event on facebook, and it started getting out of hand with loads of people being invited that we don't know in person and such. No one was really contributing towards planning, either, so in the end I deleted everyone I didn't want and kept it to the original group plus a couple of others. Miki offered his server and we voted on making it a 'do what you like as long as you don't piss anyone off' kind of server, and so from the 1st of July we've been making some pretty awesome things!

That's a snippet of what the server looks like after less than two weeks ;) oh and here's a video Luke made for the TARDIS:

On the topic of MC - a while ago I mentioned something super exciting which I couldn't really properly talk about, BUT NOW I CAN! And oh my gooshhh!

A few months ago I made the Portal weighted companion cube in MC, put a video on youtube about it, and then a lil while later I got a message from someone saying that they would like to have the map and if it was okay for it to be used to test out a program they were making to take things made in MC and print them off in 3D. I hate to admit that I was pretty skeptical, because they said they were from MIT and not to tell anyone about it. It wasn't that I doubted it was possible, I just didn't think that someone like me would be approached for a project like this. But yeah, few weeks ago they sent me a photo of my companion cube actually printed off in 3D and my mind was officially blown. OH MY GOSH! And now, here's the video!

But yeah, back to yesterday (...wait, wut?). To summarise: Nic went the very long way round walking to my house despite me giving her clear instructions; Luke was late... again; Lucy power biked half naked (well, the important parts were covered) through West Town; we were all very cool and completed a puzzle from a Mensa puzzle kit; we were even cooler and went through their question cards before realising we needed them for a cracks and ropes (snakes and ladders, essentially) game; There was a lot of throwing things...; Nic went to work and Luke, Lucy and I played maaannnyy games of cards... "before it rains".

PHOTOS!

That hat got around... and yes, that is a butterfly on Nic and carrots in Luke's ears.

OH GOD IT'S SO BRIGHT!

Ahhh forgot to mention that in the summary. There was a huge tickle attack although in the video it looks like Luke was just feeling up her boobs... hehe.

Told you this was gonna be a long one.
... Luke, don't you dare. ;)

27th June 2011 (2)

blah blah blah.

I am literally doing sod all but talking to a couple of people on skype.

But I'm too tired and stressed for anything else.

And I just felt like typing this to keep my fingers busy........

DOOOOON'T!

27th June 2011

Just finished my last exam. It wasn't one of the greatest I've ever sat, although it certainly wasn't one of the worst. I was really pushing for an A because last tuesday's was AWFUL... But I don't think I've done it. So... It's gonna be a bit hit and miss if I get the right grade for UCLan. If not, it looks like I'm gonna be at Sheffield Hallam! But if I did THAT badly... hellooooo clearing.

Currently sat in the new building of college a little bored while waiting for Luke but thankful that I'm not surrounded by people talking about the end of college. I don't want it to end!!! But I do want it to end!! aaahhhh!

Here's hoping to an amazing summer. I will be on the car insurance at some point, my parents have promised, so I will be driving myself about as much as I can.... So basically that's any time I'm not asleep and no one else is using the car. Sounds very good to me tbh!

-----------

Aha... a few hours later from that and I'm at home feeling a bit... well, miserable if I'm honest.

Luke couldn't come in, and then I got a text from my mum saying that my parents have had a huge argument and that my dad has told her to "get out and take the efffing kids with you" ... Don't appreciate being called a kid when I'm nearly 20 to be quite frank. But whatever. And also she reminded me that today is 4 years since my granddad died.

Also, regarding my previous post... A lot of people on youtube do this "secrets" or "facts" thing, and for many many maaaanny months I've thought about doing it too. So I decided to write a few things down. I'm still too chicken to do it in a video, so I typed it up and posted it here. I'll probably add more as I go along.

Opening up

- In general, I am closer to people online. I open up more easily because I'm not afraid of being judged or actually seeing people's reactions. Even people that I know IRL, I find it easier to speak to them online about personal things.

- I hate how overweight I am, but I have very little opportunity and motivation to put the effort in to lose the weight.

- I like physical pain. Nothing serious, but sometimes I deliberately do things that hurt me slightly. Such as snap and unsnap hair clips against my fingers, pick the skin around my nails, or prod bruises.

- I have horrible spots all over my body. I used to try to literally cut/scratch them off, resulting in horrible crater like scars scattered around my body.

- I've only ever told two people about these scars and spots. My ex boyfriend, who I was with for 3 and a half years, is not one of them.

- My current boyfriend has seen them and doesn't care, and has given me the confidence to be more open about it.

- Again, I can't really do it in person, so firstly I have to do it online.

- I am a virgin by choice. I am scared to have sex because of my insecurities about weight and scars, and because I don't want to do it with the wrong person.

- I used to want to lose my virginity by rape. I've grown up a bit from that desire, but I am still afraid of regret.

- I am bisexual but I haven't officially "come out" to most of my friends. Unless they're reading this. I've known since I was around 13 years old.

- I people-watch and nose around on facebook. I find people and their interactions with each other very interesting, and have wasted hours of my life just looking at random people around me or clicking through people on facebook.

24th June 2011

Here's just a small selection of photos that were taken today.

I have to be in college for approx 2 hours on Monday, and then that's it... I'll no longer be a student of New College Stamford.

It's been an amazing year. I was initially really dreading it and was so upset about being there for a third year, but it's turned out to be my best academic year ever. By that I mean I've done the best in terms of my studying, as well as socialising. I may not have had many friends at college, and even less this year, but they have been the best friends I could have ever hoped for. I hope I get to see them a lot over the summer. And during holidays when we're back from uni. Truly going to miss them... <3

I love you <3

23rd June 2011

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Another not so great exam today. I hope tomorrow turns out a bit better. Though I doubt it.

Had an argument with my mum as soon as I got in the car. I was hoping to go on the insurance tomorrow but I don't know if I can now.

And just yeah... I don't like the fact that tomorrow is my last proper day at college. I'm not really counting Monday because I'll only be in for my exam and to quickly get signed off.

Started talking about it with Miki and I've just made myself cry.

I can't wait for it to be over because of the amount of stress I've been under and I just really need to relax... But I also don't want it to end.

Emotions and stress are stupid. :(

22nd June 2011

[18:29:45] yazpanda: did you know that the flab of skin on your elbow is called the "weenis" :L
[18:30:04] Bibo: omg wow did u also know i dont care?

My brother is so harsh :'(

On the plus side, 6 exams down, 3 to go!

20th June 2011 (2)

I have a sleeping Marko.

<3 his gentle breathing/snoring.

Despite my stress about exams, that makes me feel more content. :)

20th June 2011

Well, this time next week I would have completely finished college and probably be nearly home to start my summer.

The exam today wasn't too bad. Wasn't amazing either but oh well. I only need to get about a mid C in all the maths exams I've taken this summer to get a B overall. I've now just got to focus on physics. As much as I would love to do really well in further maths, I'm not going to let it get in the way of physics as that is the one that counts towards my uni place!

Luke has read the blog posts he was mentioned in, and will no doubt end up reading this. So I'll start by saying "Hi Luke, you're a dick."

Kidding... I have another new fav song. Linkin Park - Blackout. Yeah, not an amazingly mind blowing thing for me to announce to some. But it's a huge thing to me! It's Linkin Park!

I won't go into detail but I used to be really badly affected by Linkin Park. When I heard anything by them I'd be emotionally distraught as well as actually feel physical pain and anxiety. I think they were mild panic attacks! And it's because I'd associate the band with a terribly rough time of my life which I'm still experiencing the consequences of. BUT linking back to the original point - I've slowly got a lot better and can actually enjoy their music again! And guess who that's thanks to? Yuuuuup! Lucas! I think it is because my subconscious doesn't associate it with the crap anymore. Well, it does, but before it even gets to that, it goes "ah! Luke! He's rather obsessed with that band!" and well yeah... Yay!

:') I'm pathetic. Sorry.

------

To save me writing another post, I'll just add this on. Also because it involved Luke AGAIN (jeez) and it'd look bad having so many separate ones haha.

As I said, C4 exam wasn't amazing this morning. After that there wasn't a physics lesson so I chilled in the library. Theeennn I spent the rest of the day with Luke :)

We spent about an hour with Jade because she is at college doing some stuff... Real specific yeah? And after that we walked to subway. He wouldn't take no for an answer so he bought me lunch. He jokingly said not to tell Marko coz he will call it a date :P so I went and texted Marko saying I went on a date hahaha! He is way too laid back about these things. Wait no, laid back isn't the right word when he's actively encouraging it!

I now need to get on with physics revision for tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Although atleast half of it is multiple choice. It's next Monday's that I am going to hate. GAAAHH!

Kay. Peace. :)

19th June 2011 (3)

I take it all back. I hate Luke Smalley. SO FREAKIN' MUCH!

And by hate I mean love.

:')

19th June 2011 (2)

Felt like dying my hair today. I didn't know whether to get rid of my blonde bit, make it more blonde, or dye it a random colour.

Ended up buying blonde and red as it was on sale, and after making my blonde a bit blonder, randomly had the urge to dye the brown red instead! I figured if it didn't look nice, I could go back and get cheap brown dye, but it's come out really nice! I love it!

The blonde now looks a bit more strawberry blonde but I think that goes with the red more. My mum really likes it too. She says red hair suits me and she missed it from when I used to have it like 3 or so years ago haha!

19th June 2011

I really need to sort out my iPod. I was just looking through the photos that are on it and there's some of Jed. I thought I'd been coping well lately. But it seems to have taken me by surprise again. I did this exact same thing a few months ago.

Now I just keep thinking about how we'd have been together 4 years and 7 months if things had of worked out. And then it hits me that it's been over a year since we split up.

I'm happy with Marko. More happy than I was with Jed. But I can't shake this feeling right now. I want to talk to him. I did talk to him the other week even though I know I shouldn't. A lot of people were disappointed when they knew and Marko was furious. But I can't help it.

3 and a half years isn't something I can just throw away no matter how hard I'm trying to. Nor how much he hurt me and the crap he did and said to me even after we split up.

He knows that for a long time he was the only person who really knew me. Even my other best friends at the time only knew me on the surface and maybe a tiny bit deeper. But he knew me inside out.

Now though Marko knows me inside out. And Miki and Luke are on their way to that too.

It's weird to think how much has changed in a year. I don't like how quickly things are happening. But then I wouldn't want things to have turned out any other way. I love my boys and I love the thought of going to uni in 3 months. But then I don't love that Jed isn't properly in my life any more.

I've also been thinking a lot about Nick Caville. What reminded me to add this bit is that Falling Away With You by Muse just started playing. It's the first Muse song I ever listened to, and he was the one to introduce me to them. They're still my fav band. And my mind is flooded with so many memories when I hear this particular song. I miss Nick... A lot. We're friends again on FB and have spoken a few times on skype. I just wish things were like how they were before. Out of all of my best friends I mentioned before while I was with Jed, he knew me the most. It's just a pity he got on with Jed the least. They both wanted to protect me from each other. Well, one from a jealous point and the other because he knew I was worth more. I sometimes wish I'd have listened more to Nick but then things would be even more different right now and that is something I can't comprehend.

I'll end this on a happier note I think. Well, slightly upsetting too but nevermind. This is my last full week at college. That's the sad part out of the way! The happy part is that I'm taking my laptop in so that Luke and I can take random webcam photos together! There are so many from last year, so this year there needs to be as well! I can't wait.

Related to that - when I said this to Luke, he said there will only be like 1 out of them all that he'll actually look good in. I joked that I'd be the same so we need to make sure it's in the same photo but I really wanted to say that that's a load of crap and that he'll look good in most. Everyone has bad photos of course, but I know he will look fine. I didn't say it though because I started to blush before I even got the words out. I've already complimented his eyes a lot lately and other things so I felt a bit self conscious about my random compliments. Not that I don't want him to feel good about himself. Of course I do! But I don't know if it's going too far. Marko knows that I like him and I'm sure he knows it too but I feel a bit bad about it. Even though Marko keeps encouraging it! Silly boy.

I've rambled more than enough. Shushing now! Thanks for reading if you got this far!

18th June 2011

[16/06/2011 23:20:43] yazpanda: if only i could ;)
[16/06/2011 23:20:58] yazpanda: haha i love how that's gonna be so confusing for you
[16/06/2011 23:21:04] Luke Smalley: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
[16/06/2011 23:21:07] yazpanda: :P
[16/06/2011 23:21:09] yazpanda: what?
[16/06/2011 23:21:19] Luke Smalley: you...saying that...
[16/06/2011 23:21:21] yazpanda: XD
[16/06/2011 23:21:28] Luke Smalley: if it is what i think it is
[16/06/2011 23:21:35] Luke Smalley: which i think it is
[16/06/2011 23:21:36] yazpanda: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
[16/06/2011 23:21:42] Luke Smalley: >________________________________________<
[16/06/2011 23:21:47] Luke Smalley: why yasmin, why?
[16/06/2011 23:22:07] yazpanda: because you're so easy to make piagipsgsljghs :')


I was going to put that in my last post but forgot. So, I'll just leave this here.... hehehe :)

16th June 2011

The rest of my mario figures arrived! If you wanna see all the photos I've taken then look on here http://yazpanda.imgur.com/all/ :) I'll just post the photo of my shelf here:

Something HUGELY EXCITING has happened but I can't talk about it publicly yet! :/ I really hope I can soon.

And something very sad is also happening. I mean, it's exciting too, but still making me sad.

I finish college in a week and a half. And Luke reminded me that today I had my very last A2 Maths lesson. And yesterday was the last one with him.

It sounds really silly because most people would probably be ecstatic about that, but I'm really not. I've loved maths so much this year. I mean, Paul is an amazing teacher and of course I love the subject, but let's face it.. Luke has made it for me this year. He's been a god send (for lack of a better term). As well as giving me a lot of maths related help, he's also become an amazing friend.

I probably sound sooooo lame but I don't care. I like to express how much I appreciate what someone has done for me, and he's done a lot :) Genuinely gonna miss him to pieces! And I'm SOOOOOO not welling up (again)!

I am also sccaaarredd about the physics and further maths exams coming up. I feel okay about C4 on monday, but after that it's going to be hell! I was sort of pleased all my exams (except FP3) were in the morning, but now I really really really wish they were all in the afternoon because then I could have got last minute stuff crammed in so it was fresh in my mind. Now I'm going to have to cram the day/night before, and hope for the best during each exam!

Wish me luck!!

9th June 2011

The Baby Mario Kart figures arrived this morning!

They are smaller than I was expecting, but now that I've got used to that I am actually happy they are - makes them all the more cuuuute!

I have taken photos of them individually but I won't put each one. Instead I'll just put these three 'group' photos:

The karters (mario, peach and toad):

The bikers (daisy, luigi and toadette):

And the main three (mario, luigi and peach):

I actually used a notepad as a white background XD Just thought I'd share that little fun fact with you. I have also taken more photos of the disney princesses using this make-shift mini "studio" ...