19th June 2011

I really need to sort out my iPod. I was just looking through the photos that are on it and there's some of Jed. I thought I'd been coping well lately. But it seems to have taken me by surprise again. I did this exact same thing a few months ago.

Now I just keep thinking about how we'd have been together 4 years and 7 months if things had of worked out. And then it hits me that it's been over a year since we split up.

I'm happy with Marko. More happy than I was with Jed. But I can't shake this feeling right now. I want to talk to him. I did talk to him the other week even though I know I shouldn't. A lot of people were disappointed when they knew and Marko was furious. But I can't help it.

3 and a half years isn't something I can just throw away no matter how hard I'm trying to. Nor how much he hurt me and the crap he did and said to me even after we split up.

He knows that for a long time he was the only person who really knew me. Even my other best friends at the time only knew me on the surface and maybe a tiny bit deeper. But he knew me inside out.

Now though Marko knows me inside out. And Miki and Luke are on their way to that too.

It's weird to think how much has changed in a year. I don't like how quickly things are happening. But then I wouldn't want things to have turned out any other way. I love my boys and I love the thought of going to uni in 3 months. But then I don't love that Jed isn't properly in my life any more.

I've also been thinking a lot about Nick Caville. What reminded me to add this bit is that Falling Away With You by Muse just started playing. It's the first Muse song I ever listened to, and he was the one to introduce me to them. They're still my fav band. And my mind is flooded with so many memories when I hear this particular song. I miss Nick... A lot. We're friends again on FB and have spoken a few times on skype. I just wish things were like how they were before. Out of all of my best friends I mentioned before while I was with Jed, he knew me the most. It's just a pity he got on with Jed the least. They both wanted to protect me from each other. Well, one from a jealous point and the other because he knew I was worth more. I sometimes wish I'd have listened more to Nick but then things would be even more different right now and that is something I can't comprehend.

I'll end this on a happier note I think. Well, slightly upsetting too but nevermind. This is my last full week at college. That's the sad part out of the way! The happy part is that I'm taking my laptop in so that Luke and I can take random webcam photos together! There are so many from last year, so this year there needs to be as well! I can't wait.

Related to that - when I said this to Luke, he said there will only be like 1 out of them all that he'll actually look good in. I joked that I'd be the same so we need to make sure it's in the same photo but I really wanted to say that that's a load of crap and that he'll look good in most. Everyone has bad photos of course, but I know he will look fine. I didn't say it though because I started to blush before I even got the words out. I've already complimented his eyes a lot lately and other things so I felt a bit self conscious about my random compliments. Not that I don't want him to feel good about himself. Of course I do! But I don't know if it's going too far. Marko knows that I like him and I'm sure he knows it too but I feel a bit bad about it. Even though Marko keeps encouraging it! Silly boy.

I've rambled more than enough. Shushing now! Thanks for reading if you got this far!