23rd December 2011

I'm very lonely right now.

I keep seeing people posting on Facebook about the great time they're having with their friends at home, and how everyone is trying to grab time with them and whatnot.

I've been home almost a week and I haven't heard anything from any of my "friends."

I've told people I'm here, and it's even all over Facebook. But not a single person from school or college has acknowledged we are within a few minutes of each other.

I have had an invite from Vicky to play minecraft and have hot chocolate, but I don't think she realises the Uni situation. She said it because I happened to make a big fuss of her now playing the game.

The only person I really have is Luke. But he is a 30 minute drive away and, if we even had a car, it'd be difficult for me to go see him. And although he has a car, it's even more difficult/risky for him to come here.

I feel very let down by a certain girl who I won't name because I don't like to look bitchy. But I need to vent and get my thoughts/feelings out. It's not like anyone reads this, and if they are and they know who I mean, then I don't think they will tell her. But maybe it will be good if they do. I'm very bad at confronting people or expressing how I feel if they have upset me. That's why things have gotten this bad. So although I am about to type about how upset I am, I know that I am just as much to blame as she is.

In the second year of college, she changed a lot. She has always been fairly materialistic. Don't get me wrong, she's a very loving person and wouldn't trade her friends for the world, but there's no denying that as well as the people she loves, money and all the latest gadgets make her very happy too. I noticed this when we were in school, but it seemed to be in our second year of college that it stepped up a gear. I suppose the two highest contributing factors were her 18th birthday and therefor getting a large amount of money, and also her getting very close to a girl whose family is a lot more well off than her own.

Because of that, she went out more. She went drinking, on day trips, bought and received random gifts, etc. These were all things I could not do. I don't like drinking, and I wasn't allowed to go out because of my dad, and I couldn't afford all of these expensive gifts.

We drifted. The closer she got to the other girl, the further apart we got. Things especially got worse because I couldn't go on holiday with a group of them. During that summer I barely saw her. She was going to Uni and I had another year at college. I cried a lot that summer because I didn't have anyone. I missed her and I dreaded her leaving because at least I got to see her every so often. It may not have been much, but it was something.

I went to visit her a week after she moved to Uni because it was my birthday. I had a nice weekend but I can't help but feel she didn't enjoy it as much as when she's spent time with the other girl. I saw that when she went up to visit, they did a lot of other things and there are so many photos of them together looking so happy.

That college year actually turned out to be my best in the end. Although I spoke to her less and less, I got closer and closer to Luke. He became my rock. When things were hectic, I only had to look forward to our next maths lesson together and I felt alright. We helped each other a lot academically and he helped me a lot emotionally. I also had Marko to help me, but it was different with Luke because it was only friendship. We didn't really talk much about personal stuff to begin with. He just made me happy by being good company. And that was something I had completely lost with anyone else.

When my friend came home for Christmas, I barely saw her. She spent all her time with the other girl. The time I got with her felt like it was slotted in between her plans with the other girl. I did try to tell her how I felt. But she received the message while she was on her way to the cinema to meet the other girl, and took a detour to pick me up and invite me into their plans. I know she meant well, but it only proved my point. I had no idea of these plans before so she clearly had no intention of inviting me, and I was literally slotted in smack bang in the middle. 

I've just realised it's made me sound like I don't like the other girl... I got on well with her too. The whole group we had at college in our second year was great and I loved them all dearly. But there were definite splits within the group where some people got on more than others, and those two were one of them.

Another example is from her last birthday. We went to Alton Towers. It took a lot for me to get the money to go and I hadn't got her a birthday present, so while we were there, I used some of the money that my nan gave me for Easter to buy her anything she wanted in the gift store. She still made a big fuss about the fact that I hadn't got her anything beforehand and that it was a "cop out" for me to get her something while we were there.

I honestly would have thought that the important part was that I was there. That I'd put in a lot of effort to fight against my dad to allow me to go as well as to afford to even go in the first place. But of course, the other girl had outshone me in the present department and that was all that mattered.

The summer that just passed was another relatively lonely one. It was very stressful because of domestic issues as well as university and my relationship and all sorts of other emotional stresses. I barely saw her. She went on two big holidays abroad with the the girl. Now how in the world could I have possibly competed with that?

I wanted to do the maths course at the same Uni as her. It's a good Uni and a good course, and at first it was a bonus she was there. It was also a bonus that Marko was close by. But with everything happening, I couldn't do it anymore.

I found a better course and it happened to be at the Uni that Luke applied for. He even thought it looked like an awesome course so I knew I'd found a winner. 

As hurt and broken as I am over losing one best friend, I am grateful to have gained another, and to be able to be at university with him. It's the best decision I've ever made. The course, although I am going off maths, is amazing and has now led me onto something even better for my second year, and I have met some amazing people, James included.

The pain that has been caused as a consequence is unfortunate and hurts me a lot, and I regret some things so bitterly because of it.

But I hope to fix a lot of things in time. Very slowly. But I don't believe my former friendship with her is something that can be fixed now. She's a very different person to those that I want to surround myself with. I don't care for money or the latest gadgets or clothes or trips to musicals or whatever. I care for sentiment and effort. Fair enough that sometimes that involves buying a gift... But for someone to expect gifts is wrong.

I still worry that she's ok if I see something is wrong on Facebook, but most of the time I barely think of her now. Only when I miss the time that she actually cared about me and not about excitement and presents.

But then I have to wonder whether things really would have been any different if I'd have spoken up a bit more. It's only been the last few months that I've found my voice and told people when I'm not happy. And some things haven't been affected by it but others have change drastically. I wonder if this situation would have been any different whether I'd have said more or not.

Oh well... Enough blabbering. Basically, I'm lonely. I miss my friends at Uni and I miss James. I also miss Marko. Even all the hours we sat in silence, at least we weren't alone.

Another thing... I've just pasted all of this into the new post box and wrote the title and thought to myself "Christmas is in two days..."

It makes me wonder what she's looking forward to. Being at home with her parents, or the mountain of presents she will be getting? I don't get presents. I haven't for years. I mean, my mum tries to get little things, like chocolates, and my nan always gives us money. But it's pennies compared to what she gets. And I'm fine with it. Last Christmas was the worst Christmas of my life. I got the same as every year, but we didn't spend it with the family or have Christmas dinner. I hated it and cried most of the day away. This year I get to be with my family and I am so grateful for that. And this new year I get to spend it with James and his family. I feel incredibly lucky to have that opportunity and I honestly cannot wait.

Okay I'm making myself cry now. That's enough of my depressing crap for one blog post...

Edit: one more thing, I just remembered, as a demonstration of her materialism.... At Easter, as I'd spent my money on Alton Towers, I didn't get her an Easter egg. You must bare in mind that she was the only person since school that I ever bought Christmas, birthday or Easter gifts for. That year I'd not gotten her an egg. I was at her house and she showed me the egg she had bought the other girl. She also showed me the one she'd got herself and her parents. I figured she wasn't showing me mine as she wanted it to be a surprise. I'm not saying I expected one, of course, but it seemed logical that if she was buying them for those close to her, that I would be included. It turned out that because she knew I hadn't got her one... She didn't get me one either.

Needless to say, it hurt me a lot that I was simply disregarded because I could not keep up with her and the other girl's spending habits.