5th December 2011

My laptop is being temperamental and I don't fancy doing an awful lot so I thought while I'm just lying in bed waiting for my phone to do something interesting, I'll write a blog post.

Once again I have forgotten what I posted in the previous one so I'm sorry if I repeat anything. Although, I'm not sure who I'm apologising to because no one reads this unless I specifically ask them to, and I'm also going to ramble on about something that's on my mind right now which I don't believe I've written about recently.

So yeah. Death. Fun topic to write about. Even more of a fun topic to read about. So once again I apologise to you, my lovely non-existent readers.

One of my friends posted a status on Facebook about some friends dying and how it's made him feel, and that we should enjoy the time we have with those close to us as they may not be there tomorrow. This has made me feel very appreciative of my life and those that are currently in it and have been in it, as well as making me feel upset and dreading the future.

I know this was not the intended effect but I can't help but feel the power of that reality. Absolutely anything could happen tomorrow and my life could turn around in a split second. My mum could get hit by a bus. My dad could be in a car crash. My brother could be stabbed. Luke could drown. James could... No, I'm going to stop there because I'm actually making myself cry now. But you see? Even just throwing out random examples, which are scarily plausible, make me completely dread what tomorrow has to bring.

I have already made a blog post about all of the people that died at the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011, so I won't go into detail about them now. But briefly referring to them - I was quite fortunate that although I knew of them and some played bigger parts in my life than others, none of them were a crucial part to my existence. It may be a bit dramatic to say this, but the people I named above in my examples (as well as a few others like my nan, aunt, cousins, etc.) define who I am and get me through each and every day. They are my life and I know that if I were to lose any of them, I'd lose a part of myself too. And I can say this with absolute certainty because it happened when my granddad died.

I miss him dearly and I know I should celebrate his life and what he has done for me and my family, and I'm not saying that I don't, but it is very hard to ignore the hole in my heart which he once filled.

I know that it's probably not long until I also lose my nan. And this thought terrifies me. It's hard enough to think about the possibility of any of us dying at any moment, but even worse when you expect it. It does not matter that she is 70 years old. A successful life does not depend on how long you have lived it, but how well it has been lived. Despite saying that and knowing that she and my granddad have had happy and, to them, fulfilling lives, it's still such a horrible thought to imagine that life being taken away. And so soon within my own life.

A lot of what I'm thinking about is selfish but I cannot help that. I don't want to lose anyone. I cherish every moment I have with them, but I want to have even more moments to cherish!

I'm going to now round off this part and go back to general blogging about my day to day life because I have really upset myself and I need to snap out of it.

Today I managed to finish my second POPS assignment. I wrote 4.5k words for a report, personal log and evaluation. Proud of myself, although I know some of it is complete crap. But I'll be happy with just passing. Anything above D- and I'm going to celebrate like I've won the lottery.

I've now got to do Mathematical Concepts for Monday, then POPS assignment 3 and the Programming Principles one for the 16th. So just under 2 weeks to get everything done - wheeeyy!

Tomorrow is the DCGS Christmas Party. Basically an evening of food, music and video games. And hopefully lots of giggles with my friends. Then next Monday is their Christmas Meal. I'm looking forward to a proper roast. The last one I had was at James's nan's and it reminded me how much I love them. I'm even going to have gravy with it!

But yeah, speaking of James, I miss him like mad. After spending basically 3 weeks together (minus the two days of me coming back to derby from his, before he came to derby too), it has been very difficult to adjust back to being on my own. It's been two weeks since he left and I'm still struggling. A lot.

I have to go home for Christmas, if for no other reason than my mum needs me. But I'm hopefully going to spend a few days around new year with James. Failing that, as it is just a [4 hour] bus ride to get to him, I could go for a day. I'm more likely to get away with that without my dad giving me hell for a billion years. Or even go one day, stay the night and come back the next. Hmmm do that on a weekend and get Sunday Roast... *drool* ... Ahem. Yeah. Whatever happens, I want plenty of cuddles and kisses, no matter how long I get with him.

And on that slightly happier note, I'll end this post there. Ciao for nao.