6th September 2011

Well, I failed at finishing the previous post. I'm afraid it's going have to stay like that now.

I was going to mention I had been looking up things to do with Derby, which included videos on youtube... So I'll put it all here instead. I came across a video made by a student, which had a plug for the Computing and Gaming Society. I loved the video and loved the sound of the guy who'd made it, especially as Luke and I had already been stalking the society's website. But yeah, I got talking to him. His name is James and he has become a very good friend.

Unfortunately things have deteriorated with Marko because of this. Well, it was the final push to cause things to really kick off.

I met up with James and I had the best day ever. I felt so happy, comfortable, appreciated, etc. It was perfect. I would post photos but I'm doing this on my phone so I can't right now.

So anyway...

Actually, I'm going to address the rest to Marko. We are having a few days completely apart, including deleting each other off of Facebook, to see what happens. I have this weird feeling that he will come on this blog, so yeah...

Marko, I am sorry for everything that has happened. But I am mostly sorry for how little I regret it. I did have an amazing time and I do wish for more. My biggest regret is what it is doing to you. I am ashamed to now be able to say I have actually cheated on you, and when you have told people about it, it hurts a lot to realise that. But I really do not feel any shame for the act itself. It was with a guy who really cares for me, and for who I really care about, and it all felt very natural and right.

I don't believe I can get back with you. I do love you. You are one of my best friends and first loves. I adore you and care about you, so I will always be here for you. I want the best for you, and despite what you think, I KNOW that it is not me. I'm not saying it in my usual "I'm just putting myself down because I'm insecure" way, I'm saying it from a standing back looking in position. I've spent a lot of the day just looking at what our relationship was, who you are, who I am, etc. and I just don't believe I am the one for you.

There is also something I need to mention just to get it out while I think of it... As I said before, I feel comfortable with James. I don't mean to hurt you with this, but I don't feel comfortable with who I am with you. Mostly about my appearance really. I feel under pressure to look or think a certain way with you. That's why I hate showing you my body and also why I am very scared to see you in person. I don't sit right in my own skin just at the thought of you seeing me. Whereas with James, although I was initially worried he'd be disappointed, I was still comfortable enough to see him and after the first few seconds I felt fine. There were obviously moments where I got shy about my body but it was more from an inexperienced point than a "I really don't want you to look at me" way. 

I don't want you to do anything stupid to yourself. You are an intelligent guy, with a lot of potential and a new job which although isn't as great as you could do, it can still open up a lot of opportunities. And as you said, you can do it from anywhere. I still want you to come visit me at uni and I will still come up to see you. I want to remain close because it does hurt to think I've lost you. But right now I just can't be in a relationship with you. I need to be me, to experience things for myself and to grow up/mature.  And I want you to do the same. You've had a very rough start in life, and things are still really hard, so I want you to do the best you can to make the most of what you have. And you do still have me. Always. I'm not going anywhere, it's just we are taking a step back. We are no longer in a relationship but instead are incredibly good friends. I still want to have ridiculously long skype calls with you, and some nights even sleep on mic with you. I want to play games with you, watch movies and tv shows, discuss current affairs, debate religion and politics, etc. The only thing I no longer feel is right to do is be a couple. Though I wouldn't argue against you cooking for me if you still want to!

I hope you will be ok. I am so sorry for all of this. As you always say to me... Chin up <3 you will be ok. You do still have me!