blah blah blah.
I am literally doing sod all but talking to a couple of people on skype.
But I'm too tired and stressed for anything else.
And I just felt like typing this to keep my fingers busy........
DOOOOON'T!
Monday 27 June 2011
27th June 2011
Just finished my last exam. It wasn't one of the greatest I've ever sat, although it certainly wasn't one of the worst. I was really pushing for an A because last tuesday's was AWFUL... But I don't think I've done it. So... It's gonna be a bit hit and miss if I get the right grade for UCLan. If not, it looks like I'm gonna be at Sheffield Hallam! But if I did THAT badly... hellooooo clearing.
Currently sat in the new building of college a little bored while waiting for Luke but thankful that I'm not surrounded by people talking about the end of college. I don't want it to end!!! But I do want it to end!! aaahhhh!
Here's hoping to an amazing summer. I will be on the car insurance at some point, my parents have promised, so I will be driving myself about as much as I can.... So basically that's any time I'm not asleep and no one else is using the car. Sounds very good to me tbh!
-----------
Aha... a few hours later from that and I'm at home feeling a bit... well, miserable if I'm honest.
Luke couldn't come in, and then I got a text from my mum saying that my parents have had a huge argument and that my dad has told her to "get out and take the efffing kids with you" ... Don't appreciate being called a kid when I'm nearly 20 to be quite frank. But whatever. And also she reminded me that today is 4 years since my granddad died.
Also, regarding my previous post... A lot of people on youtube do this "secrets" or "facts" thing, and for many many maaaanny months I've thought about doing it too. So I decided to write a few things down. I'm still too chicken to do it in a video, so I typed it up and posted it here. I'll probably add more as I go along.
Currently sat in the new building of college a little bored while waiting for Luke but thankful that I'm not surrounded by people talking about the end of college. I don't want it to end!!! But I do want it to end!! aaahhhh!
Here's hoping to an amazing summer. I will be on the car insurance at some point, my parents have promised, so I will be driving myself about as much as I can.... So basically that's any time I'm not asleep and no one else is using the car. Sounds very good to me tbh!
-----------
Aha... a few hours later from that and I'm at home feeling a bit... well, miserable if I'm honest.
Luke couldn't come in, and then I got a text from my mum saying that my parents have had a huge argument and that my dad has told her to "get out and take the efffing kids with you" ... Don't appreciate being called a kid when I'm nearly 20 to be quite frank. But whatever. And also she reminded me that today is 4 years since my granddad died.
Also, regarding my previous post... A lot of people on youtube do this "secrets" or "facts" thing, and for many many maaaanny months I've thought about doing it too. So I decided to write a few things down. I'm still too chicken to do it in a video, so I typed it up and posted it here. I'll probably add more as I go along.
Saturday 25 June 2011
Opening up
- In general, I am closer to people online. I open up more easily because I'm not afraid of being judged or actually seeing people's reactions. Even people that I know IRL, I find it easier to speak to them online about personal things.
- I hate how overweight I am, but I have very little opportunity and motivation to put the effort in to lose the weight.
- I like physical pain. Nothing serious, but sometimes I deliberately do things that hurt me slightly. Such as snap and unsnap hair clips against my fingers, pick the skin around my nails, or prod bruises.
- I have horrible spots all over my body. I used to try to literally cut/scratch them off, resulting in horrible crater like scars scattered around my body.
- I've only ever told two people about these scars and spots. My ex boyfriend, who I was with for 3 and a half years, is not one of them.
- My current boyfriend has seen them and doesn't care, and has given me the confidence to be more open about it.
- Again, I can't really do it in person, so firstly I have to do it online.
- I am a virgin by choice. I am scared to have sex because of my insecurities about weight and scars, and because I don't want to do it with the wrong person.
- I used to want to lose my virginity by rape. I've grown up a bit from that desire, but I am still afraid of regret.
- I am bisexual but I haven't officially "come out" to most of my friends. Unless they're reading this. I've known since I was around 13 years old.
- I people-watch and nose around on facebook. I find people and their interactions with each other very interesting, and have wasted hours of my life just looking at random people around me or clicking through people on facebook.
- I hate how overweight I am, but I have very little opportunity and motivation to put the effort in to lose the weight.
- I like physical pain. Nothing serious, but sometimes I deliberately do things that hurt me slightly. Such as snap and unsnap hair clips against my fingers, pick the skin around my nails, or prod bruises.
- I have horrible spots all over my body. I used to try to literally cut/scratch them off, resulting in horrible crater like scars scattered around my body.
- I've only ever told two people about these scars and spots. My ex boyfriend, who I was with for 3 and a half years, is not one of them.
- My current boyfriend has seen them and doesn't care, and has given me the confidence to be more open about it.
- Again, I can't really do it in person, so firstly I have to do it online.
- I am a virgin by choice. I am scared to have sex because of my insecurities about weight and scars, and because I don't want to do it with the wrong person.
- I used to want to lose my virginity by rape. I've grown up a bit from that desire, but I am still afraid of regret.
- I am bisexual but I haven't officially "come out" to most of my friends. Unless they're reading this. I've known since I was around 13 years old.
- I people-watch and nose around on facebook. I find people and their interactions with each other very interesting, and have wasted hours of my life just looking at random people around me or clicking through people on facebook.
Friday 24 June 2011
24th June 2011
Here's just a small selection of photos that were taken today.
I have to be in college for approx 2 hours on Monday, and then that's it... I'll no longer be a student of New College Stamford.
It's been an amazing year. I was initially really dreading it and was so upset about being there for a third year, but it's turned out to be my best academic year ever. By that I mean I've done the best in terms of my studying, as well as socialising. I may not have had many friends at college, and even less this year, but they have been the best friends I could have ever hoped for. I hope I get to see them a lot over the summer. And during holidays when we're back from uni. Truly going to miss them... <3
I love you <3
Thursday 23 June 2011
23rd June 2011
I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Another not so great exam today. I hope tomorrow turns out a bit better. Though I doubt it.
Had an argument with my mum as soon as I got in the car. I was hoping to go on the insurance tomorrow but I don't know if I can now.
And just yeah... I don't like the fact that tomorrow is my last proper day at college. I'm not really counting Monday because I'll only be in for my exam and to quickly get signed off.
Started talking about it with Miki and I've just made myself cry.
I can't wait for it to be over because of the amount of stress I've been under and I just really need to relax... But I also don't want it to end.
Emotions and stress are stupid. :(
Another not so great exam today. I hope tomorrow turns out a bit better. Though I doubt it.
Had an argument with my mum as soon as I got in the car. I was hoping to go on the insurance tomorrow but I don't know if I can now.
And just yeah... I don't like the fact that tomorrow is my last proper day at college. I'm not really counting Monday because I'll only be in for my exam and to quickly get signed off.
Started talking about it with Miki and I've just made myself cry.
I can't wait for it to be over because of the amount of stress I've been under and I just really need to relax... But I also don't want it to end.
Emotions and stress are stupid. :(
Wednesday 22 June 2011
22nd June 2011
[18:29:45] yazpanda: did you know that the flab of skin on your elbow is called the "weenis" :L
[18:30:04] Bibo: omg wow did u also know i dont care?
My brother is so harsh :'(
On the plus side, 6 exams down, 3 to go!
[18:30:04] Bibo: omg wow did u also know i dont care?
My brother is so harsh :'(
On the plus side, 6 exams down, 3 to go!
Monday 20 June 2011
20th June 2011 (2)
I have a sleeping Marko.
<3 his gentle breathing/snoring.
Despite my stress about exams, that makes me feel more content. :)
<3 his gentle breathing/snoring.
Despite my stress about exams, that makes me feel more content. :)
20th June 2011
Well, this time next week I would have completely finished college and probably be nearly home to start my summer.
The exam today wasn't too bad. Wasn't amazing either but oh well. I only need to get about a mid C in all the maths exams I've taken this summer to get a B overall. I've now just got to focus on physics. As much as I would love to do really well in further maths, I'm not going to let it get in the way of physics as that is the one that counts towards my uni place!
Luke has read the blog posts he was mentioned in, and will no doubt end up reading this. So I'll start by saying "Hi Luke, you're a dick."
Kidding... I have another new fav song. Linkin Park - Blackout. Yeah, not an amazingly mind blowing thing for me to announce to some. But it's a huge thing to me! It's Linkin Park!
I won't go into detail but I used to be really badly affected by Linkin Park. When I heard anything by them I'd be emotionally distraught as well as actually feel physical pain and anxiety. I think they were mild panic attacks! And it's because I'd associate the band with a terribly rough time of my life which I'm still experiencing the consequences of. BUT linking back to the original point - I've slowly got a lot better and can actually enjoy their music again! And guess who that's thanks to? Yuuuuup! Lucas! I think it is because my subconscious doesn't associate it with the crap anymore. Well, it does, but before it even gets to that, it goes "ah! Luke! He's rather obsessed with that band!" and well yeah... Yay!
:') I'm pathetic. Sorry.
------
To save me writing another post, I'll just add this on. Also because it involved Luke AGAIN (jeez) and it'd look bad having so many separate ones haha.
As I said, C4 exam wasn't amazing this morning. After that there wasn't a physics lesson so I chilled in the library. Theeennn I spent the rest of the day with Luke :)
We spent about an hour with Jade because she is at college doing some stuff... Real specific yeah? And after that we walked to subway. He wouldn't take no for an answer so he bought me lunch. He jokingly said not to tell Marko coz he will call it a date :P so I went and texted Marko saying I went on a date hahaha! He is way too laid back about these things. Wait no, laid back isn't the right word when he's actively encouraging it!
I now need to get on with physics revision for tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Although atleast half of it is multiple choice. It's next Monday's that I am going to hate. GAAAHH!
Kay. Peace. :)
The exam today wasn't too bad. Wasn't amazing either but oh well. I only need to get about a mid C in all the maths exams I've taken this summer to get a B overall. I've now just got to focus on physics. As much as I would love to do really well in further maths, I'm not going to let it get in the way of physics as that is the one that counts towards my uni place!
Luke has read the blog posts he was mentioned in, and will no doubt end up reading this. So I'll start by saying "Hi Luke, you're a dick."
Kidding... I have another new fav song. Linkin Park - Blackout. Yeah, not an amazingly mind blowing thing for me to announce to some. But it's a huge thing to me! It's Linkin Park!
I won't go into detail but I used to be really badly affected by Linkin Park. When I heard anything by them I'd be emotionally distraught as well as actually feel physical pain and anxiety. I think they were mild panic attacks! And it's because I'd associate the band with a terribly rough time of my life which I'm still experiencing the consequences of. BUT linking back to the original point - I've slowly got a lot better and can actually enjoy their music again! And guess who that's thanks to? Yuuuuup! Lucas! I think it is because my subconscious doesn't associate it with the crap anymore. Well, it does, but before it even gets to that, it goes "ah! Luke! He's rather obsessed with that band!" and well yeah... Yay!
:') I'm pathetic. Sorry.
------
To save me writing another post, I'll just add this on. Also because it involved Luke AGAIN (jeez) and it'd look bad having so many separate ones haha.
As I said, C4 exam wasn't amazing this morning. After that there wasn't a physics lesson so I chilled in the library. Theeennn I spent the rest of the day with Luke :)
We spent about an hour with Jade because she is at college doing some stuff... Real specific yeah? And after that we walked to subway. He wouldn't take no for an answer so he bought me lunch. He jokingly said not to tell Marko coz he will call it a date :P so I went and texted Marko saying I went on a date hahaha! He is way too laid back about these things. Wait no, laid back isn't the right word when he's actively encouraging it!
I now need to get on with physics revision for tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Although atleast half of it is multiple choice. It's next Monday's that I am going to hate. GAAAHH!
Kay. Peace. :)
Sunday 19 June 2011
19th June 2011 (3)
I take it all back. I hate Luke Smalley. SO FREAKIN' MUCH!
And by hate I mean love.
:')
And by hate I mean love.
:')
19th June 2011 (2)
Felt like dying my hair today. I didn't know whether to get rid of my blonde bit, make it more blonde, or dye it a random colour.
Ended up buying blonde and red as it was on sale, and after making my blonde a bit blonder, randomly had the urge to dye the brown red instead! I figured if it didn't look nice, I could go back and get cheap brown dye, but it's come out really nice! I love it!
Ended up buying blonde and red as it was on sale, and after making my blonde a bit blonder, randomly had the urge to dye the brown red instead! I figured if it didn't look nice, I could go back and get cheap brown dye, but it's come out really nice! I love it!
The blonde now looks a bit more strawberry blonde but I think that goes with the red more. My mum really likes it too. She says red hair suits me and she missed it from when I used to have it like 3 or so years ago haha!
19th June 2011
I really need to sort out my iPod. I was just looking through the photos that are on it and there's some of Jed. I thought I'd been coping well lately. But it seems to have taken me by surprise again. I did this exact same thing a few months ago.
Now I just keep thinking about how we'd have been together 4 years and 7 months if things had of worked out. And then it hits me that it's been over a year since we split up.
I'm happy with Marko. More happy than I was with Jed. But I can't shake this feeling right now. I want to talk to him. I did talk to him the other week even though I know I shouldn't. A lot of people were disappointed when they knew and Marko was furious. But I can't help it.
3 and a half years isn't something I can just throw away no matter how hard I'm trying to. Nor how much he hurt me and the crap he did and said to me even after we split up.
He knows that for a long time he was the only person who really knew me. Even my other best friends at the time only knew me on the surface and maybe a tiny bit deeper. But he knew me inside out.
Now though Marko knows me inside out. And Miki and Luke are on their way to that too.
It's weird to think how much has changed in a year. I don't like how quickly things are happening. But then I wouldn't want things to have turned out any other way. I love my boys and I love the thought of going to uni in 3 months. But then I don't love that Jed isn't properly in my life any more.
I've also been thinking a lot about Nick Caville. What reminded me to add this bit is that Falling Away With You by Muse just started playing. It's the first Muse song I ever listened to, and he was the one to introduce me to them. They're still my fav band. And my mind is flooded with so many memories when I hear this particular song. I miss Nick... A lot. We're friends again on FB and have spoken a few times on skype. I just wish things were like how they were before. Out of all of my best friends I mentioned before while I was with Jed, he knew me the most. It's just a pity he got on with Jed the least. They both wanted to protect me from each other. Well, one from a jealous point and the other because he knew I was worth more. I sometimes wish I'd have listened more to Nick but then things would be even more different right now and that is something I can't comprehend.
I'll end this on a happier note I think. Well, slightly upsetting too but nevermind. This is my last full week at college. That's the sad part out of the way! The happy part is that I'm taking my laptop in so that Luke and I can take random webcam photos together! There are so many from last year, so this year there needs to be as well! I can't wait.
Related to that - when I said this to Luke, he said there will only be like 1 out of them all that he'll actually look good in. I joked that I'd be the same so we need to make sure it's in the same photo but I really wanted to say that that's a load of crap and that he'll look good in most. Everyone has bad photos of course, but I know he will look fine. I didn't say it though because I started to blush before I even got the words out. I've already complimented his eyes a lot lately and other things so I felt a bit self conscious about my random compliments. Not that I don't want him to feel good about himself. Of course I do! But I don't know if it's going too far. Marko knows that I like him and I'm sure he knows it too but I feel a bit bad about it. Even though Marko keeps encouraging it! Silly boy.
I've rambled more than enough. Shushing now! Thanks for reading if you got this far!
Now I just keep thinking about how we'd have been together 4 years and 7 months if things had of worked out. And then it hits me that it's been over a year since we split up.
I'm happy with Marko. More happy than I was with Jed. But I can't shake this feeling right now. I want to talk to him. I did talk to him the other week even though I know I shouldn't. A lot of people were disappointed when they knew and Marko was furious. But I can't help it.
3 and a half years isn't something I can just throw away no matter how hard I'm trying to. Nor how much he hurt me and the crap he did and said to me even after we split up.
He knows that for a long time he was the only person who really knew me. Even my other best friends at the time only knew me on the surface and maybe a tiny bit deeper. But he knew me inside out.
Now though Marko knows me inside out. And Miki and Luke are on their way to that too.
It's weird to think how much has changed in a year. I don't like how quickly things are happening. But then I wouldn't want things to have turned out any other way. I love my boys and I love the thought of going to uni in 3 months. But then I don't love that Jed isn't properly in my life any more.
I've also been thinking a lot about Nick Caville. What reminded me to add this bit is that Falling Away With You by Muse just started playing. It's the first Muse song I ever listened to, and he was the one to introduce me to them. They're still my fav band. And my mind is flooded with so many memories when I hear this particular song. I miss Nick... A lot. We're friends again on FB and have spoken a few times on skype. I just wish things were like how they were before. Out of all of my best friends I mentioned before while I was with Jed, he knew me the most. It's just a pity he got on with Jed the least. They both wanted to protect me from each other. Well, one from a jealous point and the other because he knew I was worth more. I sometimes wish I'd have listened more to Nick but then things would be even more different right now and that is something I can't comprehend.
I'll end this on a happier note I think. Well, slightly upsetting too but nevermind. This is my last full week at college. That's the sad part out of the way! The happy part is that I'm taking my laptop in so that Luke and I can take random webcam photos together! There are so many from last year, so this year there needs to be as well! I can't wait.
Related to that - when I said this to Luke, he said there will only be like 1 out of them all that he'll actually look good in. I joked that I'd be the same so we need to make sure it's in the same photo but I really wanted to say that that's a load of crap and that he'll look good in most. Everyone has bad photos of course, but I know he will look fine. I didn't say it though because I started to blush before I even got the words out. I've already complimented his eyes a lot lately and other things so I felt a bit self conscious about my random compliments. Not that I don't want him to feel good about himself. Of course I do! But I don't know if it's going too far. Marko knows that I like him and I'm sure he knows it too but I feel a bit bad about it. Even though Marko keeps encouraging it! Silly boy.
I've rambled more than enough. Shushing now! Thanks for reading if you got this far!
Saturday 18 June 2011
18th June 2011
[16/06/2011 23:20:43] yazpanda: if only i could ;)
[16/06/2011 23:20:58] yazpanda: haha i love how that's gonna be so confusing for you
[16/06/2011 23:21:04] Luke Smalley: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
[16/06/2011 23:21:07] yazpanda: :P
[16/06/2011 23:21:09] yazpanda: what?
[16/06/2011 23:21:19] Luke Smalley: you...saying that...
[16/06/2011 23:21:21] yazpanda: XD
[16/06/2011 23:21:28] Luke Smalley: if it is what i think it is
[16/06/2011 23:21:35] Luke Smalley: which i think it is
[16/06/2011 23:21:36] yazpanda: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
[16/06/2011 23:21:42] Luke Smalley: >________________________________________<
[16/06/2011 23:21:47] Luke Smalley: why yasmin, why?
[16/06/2011 23:22:07] yazpanda: because you're so easy to make piagipsgsljghs :')
I was going to put that in my last post but forgot. So, I'll just leave this here.... hehehe :)
[16/06/2011 23:20:58] yazpanda: haha i love how that's gonna be so confusing for you
[16/06/2011 23:21:04] Luke Smalley: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
[16/06/2011 23:21:07] yazpanda: :P
[16/06/2011 23:21:09] yazpanda: what?
[16/06/2011 23:21:19] Luke Smalley: you...saying that...
[16/06/2011 23:21:21] yazpanda: XD
[16/06/2011 23:21:28] Luke Smalley: if it is what i think it is
[16/06/2011 23:21:35] Luke Smalley: which i think it is
[16/06/2011 23:21:36] yazpanda: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
[16/06/2011 23:21:42] Luke Smalley: >________________________________________<
[16/06/2011 23:21:47] Luke Smalley: why yasmin, why?
[16/06/2011 23:22:07] yazpanda: because you're so easy to make piagipsgsljghs :')
I was going to put that in my last post but forgot. So, I'll just leave this here.... hehehe :)
Thursday 16 June 2011
16th June 2011
The rest of my mario figures arrived! If you wanna see all the photos I've taken then look on here http://yazpanda.imgur.com/all/ :) I'll just post the photo of my shelf here:
Something HUGELY EXCITING has happened but I can't talk about it publicly yet! :/ I really hope I can soon.
And something very sad is also happening. I mean, it's exciting too, but still making me sad.
I finish college in a week and a half. And Luke reminded me that today I had my very last A2 Maths lesson. And yesterday was the last one with him.
It sounds really silly because most people would probably be ecstatic about that, but I'm really not. I've loved maths so much this year. I mean, Paul is an amazing teacher and of course I love the subject, but let's face it.. Luke has made it for me this year. He's been a god send (for lack of a better term). As well as giving me a lot of maths related help, he's also become an amazing friend.
I probably sound sooooo lame but I don't care. I like to express how much I appreciate what someone has done for me, and he's done a lot :) Genuinely gonna miss him to pieces! And I'm SOOOOOO not welling up (again)!
I am also sccaaarredd about the physics and further maths exams coming up. I feel okay about C4 on monday, but after that it's going to be hell! I was sort of pleased all my exams (except FP3) were in the morning, but now I really really really wish they were all in the afternoon because then I could have got last minute stuff crammed in so it was fresh in my mind. Now I'm going to have to cram the day/night before, and hope for the best during each exam!
Wish me luck!!
Something HUGELY EXCITING has happened but I can't talk about it publicly yet! :/ I really hope I can soon.
And something very sad is also happening. I mean, it's exciting too, but still making me sad.
I finish college in a week and a half. And Luke reminded me that today I had my very last A2 Maths lesson. And yesterday was the last one with him.
It sounds really silly because most people would probably be ecstatic about that, but I'm really not. I've loved maths so much this year. I mean, Paul is an amazing teacher and of course I love the subject, but let's face it.. Luke has made it for me this year. He's been a god send (for lack of a better term). As well as giving me a lot of maths related help, he's also become an amazing friend.
I probably sound sooooo lame but I don't care. I like to express how much I appreciate what someone has done for me, and he's done a lot :) Genuinely gonna miss him to pieces! And I'm SOOOOOO not welling up (again)!
I am also sccaaarredd about the physics and further maths exams coming up. I feel okay about C4 on monday, but after that it's going to be hell! I was sort of pleased all my exams (except FP3) were in the morning, but now I really really really wish they were all in the afternoon because then I could have got last minute stuff crammed in so it was fresh in my mind. Now I'm going to have to cram the day/night before, and hope for the best during each exam!
Wish me luck!!
Thursday 9 June 2011
9th June 2011
The Baby Mario Kart figures arrived this morning!
They are smaller than I was expecting, but now that I've got used to that I am actually happy they are - makes them all the more cuuuute!
I have taken photos of them individually but I won't put each one. Instead I'll just put these three 'group' photos:
The karters (mario, peach and toad):
The bikers (daisy, luigi and toadette):
And the main three (mario, luigi and peach):
I actually used a notepad as a white background XD Just thought I'd share that little fun fact with you. I have also taken more photos of the disney princesses using this make-shift mini "studio" ...
They are smaller than I was expecting, but now that I've got used to that I am actually happy they are - makes them all the more cuuuute!
I have taken photos of them individually but I won't put each one. Instead I'll just put these three 'group' photos:
The karters (mario, peach and toad):
The bikers (daisy, luigi and toadette):
And the main three (mario, luigi and peach):
I actually used a notepad as a white background XD Just thought I'd share that little fun fact with you. I have also taken more photos of the disney princesses using this make-shift mini "studio" ...
Monday 6 June 2011
6th June 2011 (2)
I have been playing with the princesses most of the afternoon XD I really am a big child!
I took a hilarious photo though.
LOOK IN THE BACKGROUND XD LOLOLOLOL!
I also edited it because I thought it's an awesome photo :3
I took a hilarious photo though.
LOOK IN THE BACKGROUND XD LOLOLOLOL!
I also edited it because I thought it's an awesome photo :3
6th June 2011
The Disney Princess figures came today! They are adorable and although second hand, they're in really good condition.
I'm very happy with them! I even took photos of them individually!
When my Mario figures arrive, I'll take photos of them too and then arrange them along with the princesses on my campervan shelf.
Oh! Speaking of which! I jigged that up a bit yesterday. My dad got me another campervan from a charity shop, so I did some rearranging to make some space for all my new figures and the new van. Here's a photo of it, although when everything is done it'll probably look completely different.
I'm very happy with them! I even took photos of them individually!
When my Mario figures arrive, I'll take photos of them too and then arrange them along with the princesses on my campervan shelf.
Oh! Speaking of which! I jigged that up a bit yesterday. My dad got me another campervan from a charity shop, so I did some rearranging to make some space for all my new figures and the new van. Here's a photo of it, although when everything is done it'll probably look completely different.
Saturday 4 June 2011
5th June 2011
I've been awake since about 3:30am. It's now just gone 5 and I've mainly been listening to Marko's breathing and occasional light snoring.
Our chat before bed has left me feeling low. I hate that I've let him down. I hate being selfish. And he's too kind to admit it was a selfish decision.
"You chose what was best for you."
I want it to be best for him too, to get rid of some of this guilt, but I know it's not and I know he won't see it that way anyway.
I fell for him so quickly. Too quickly. Though I don't regret that. But moving in with him would be something I'd regret doing too quickly.
I just hope it all works out in the end.
I love listening to him while he's asleep. I can hear and feel the peacefulness. It's nice knowing he's safe and comfortable and that he's all mine. No one else is enjoying this moment but me.
I love you, Marko.
Our chat before bed has left me feeling low. I hate that I've let him down. I hate being selfish. And he's too kind to admit it was a selfish decision.
"You chose what was best for you."
I want it to be best for him too, to get rid of some of this guilt, but I know it's not and I know he won't see it that way anyway.
I fell for him so quickly. Too quickly. Though I don't regret that. But moving in with him would be something I'd regret doing too quickly.
I just hope it all works out in the end.
I love listening to him while he's asleep. I can hear and feel the peacefulness. It's nice knowing he's safe and comfortable and that he's all mine. No one else is enjoying this moment but me.
I love you, Marko.
Thursday 2 June 2011
2nd June 2011 (2)
[22:12:44] Michael Stubbs: Almost back (just getting changed), but just wanted to say that one of my neighbours is playing "Hey Mickey" reallyyyyyyyyyyyyy loudly.
[22:12:52] Michael Stubbs: and I'm jigging along xD
[22:13:09] yazpanda: JIGGING ALONG NAKIE? *MUSTSEEMUSTSEEMUSTSEE*
[22:13:17] Michael Stubbs: haha you wish
[22:13:25] yazpanda: i doooo
[22:13:28] yazpanda: and lol maybe they can see you
[22:13:32] yazpanda: so thats why theyre playing it
[22:13:49] Michael Stubbs: well they might be able to if they have x-ray glasses or something xD
[22:13:59] yazpanda: hehe they might
[22:14:00] yazpanda: or mirror
[22:14:01] yazpanda: s
[22:14:27] Michael Stubbs: ...mirrors?
[22:14:37] yazpanda: mhmmm
[22:14:43] yazpanda: one placed at your window
[22:14:49] yazpanda: then others so they can see from where they are
[22:15:07] Michael Stubbs: haha hmm maybe *checks window*
[22:15:11] yazpanda: :P
[22:15:16] yazpanda: if you see someone waving back
[22:15:17] yazpanda: HIDE
[22:15:23] Michael Stubbs: haha xD
[22:15:26] yazpanda: :P
[22:15:33] Michael Stubbs: nope nothing there :O
[22:15:40] yazpanda: bwahahahahaha
[22:15:43] yazpanda: you'll never find my mirror ;)
[22:16:00] Michael Stubbs: :O hehehe
[22:16:11] Michael Stubbs: tbh even if i did i wouldn't care
[22:16:30] Michael Stubbs: i'd be more impressed that you have some sort of intricate mirror system leading from my house to yours xD
[22:16:36] Michael Stubbs: /nerd
[22:16:43] yazpanda: hahahahaha
[22:16:48] yazpanda: tbf so would i!
[22:16:51] yazpanda: if it were the other way
[22:16:55] Michael Stubbs: haha xD
[22:17:03] yazpanda: or
[22:17:08] yazpanda: id be bloody impressed with myself
[22:17:21] Michael Stubbs: hahaha xD
[22:18:00] Michael Stubbs: brb concealing nakedness
[22:12:52] Michael Stubbs: and I'm jigging along xD
[22:13:09] yazpanda: JIGGING ALONG NAKIE? *MUSTSEEMUSTSEEMUSTSEE*
[22:13:17] Michael Stubbs: haha you wish
[22:13:25] yazpanda: i doooo
[22:13:28] yazpanda: and lol maybe they can see you
[22:13:32] yazpanda: so thats why theyre playing it
[22:13:49] Michael Stubbs: well they might be able to if they have x-ray glasses or something xD
[22:13:59] yazpanda: hehe they might
[22:14:00] yazpanda: or mirror
[22:14:01] yazpanda: s
[22:14:27] Michael Stubbs: ...mirrors?
[22:14:37] yazpanda: mhmmm
[22:14:43] yazpanda: one placed at your window
[22:14:49] yazpanda: then others so they can see from where they are
[22:15:07] Michael Stubbs: haha hmm maybe *checks window*
[22:15:11] yazpanda: :P
[22:15:16] yazpanda: if you see someone waving back
[22:15:17] yazpanda: HIDE
[22:15:23] Michael Stubbs: haha xD
[22:15:26] yazpanda: :P
[22:15:33] Michael Stubbs: nope nothing there :O
[22:15:40] yazpanda: bwahahahahaha
[22:15:43] yazpanda: you'll never find my mirror ;)
[22:16:00] Michael Stubbs: :O hehehe
[22:16:11] Michael Stubbs: tbh even if i did i wouldn't care
[22:16:30] Michael Stubbs: i'd be more impressed that you have some sort of intricate mirror system leading from my house to yours xD
[22:16:36] Michael Stubbs: /nerd
[22:16:43] yazpanda: hahahahaha
[22:16:48] yazpanda: tbf so would i!
[22:16:51] yazpanda: if it were the other way
[22:16:55] Michael Stubbs: haha xD
[22:17:03] yazpanda: or
[22:17:08] yazpanda: id be bloody impressed with myself
[22:17:21] Michael Stubbs: hahaha xD
[22:18:00] Michael Stubbs: brb concealing nakedness
2nd June 2011
I won the disney princesses too! :D Someone else started bidding so I ended up paying £5.68 (incl. p+p), which in total is £21 for 26 figures :) Sooo.. 81pence each =D
I'm such a big child <3
I'm now gonna spend my evening attempting a further maths paper if Luke comes online. My brain is actually frazzled. Worse than frazzled. I cannot wait for exams to be over so I give my brain a rest!
I'm such a big child <3
I'm now gonna spend my evening attempting a further maths paper if Luke comes online. My brain is actually frazzled. Worse than frazzled. I cannot wait for exams to be over so I give my brain a rest!
Wednesday 1 June 2011
1st June 2011
I tell him all the time I don't mind him talking to other girls. I honestly don't. I can even deal with hearing how close he is getting with them most of the time. I just wish he would consider what effect it's having on me...
I've told him I feel like I'm a bridge. I have been helping him deal with splitting from his ex, and now I seem to be helping him find another girl.
But I don't want him to find another girl. I want him for myself. But I can't be that selfish and deprive him of the opportunity to find a more compatible partner. I don't believe in "the one" but I do believe that you can find someone who feels perfect for you and so compatible that you don't even need to give others a second looking. And I feel like he hasn't found that with me..
He said he doesn't want anyone else, but I don't think his subconscious agrees with him.
I've told him I feel like I'm a bridge. I have been helping him deal with splitting from his ex, and now I seem to be helping him find another girl.
But I don't want him to find another girl. I want him for myself. But I can't be that selfish and deprive him of the opportunity to find a more compatible partner. I don't believe in "the one" but I do believe that you can find someone who feels perfect for you and so compatible that you don't even need to give others a second looking. And I feel like he hasn't found that with me..
He said he doesn't want anyone else, but I don't think his subconscious agrees with him.
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