12th May 2011 (2)

On the topic of death, it's obviously reminding me a lot of my granddad.

He died June 27th 2007. So it's coming up to 4 years ago.

I miss him a lot. Especially at the moment because we are going through so much crap, and I know he would have set things right or made them significantly better.

I also know he would be proud of me and show me that pride. I don't feel like I'm getting the support or appreciation I need from my family. I know where I want my life to head and I'm trying really hard, and I also know that I don't actually need their support or approval or whatever to get me there, but it would be a big boost to my confidence and self assurance if I did. But I know for a fact if he was here, he would show it and make the rest of my family feel ashamed at themselves for bringing me down.

He was such a family man. Nothing was more important that his family's happiness and wellbeing. He didn't have a lot of money, so he spent it wisely on the right things. And when my brother and I were kids, that usually meant spending it on trips out with us and such.

And any time there were financial issues he would step in if he could and help us, because we too have never had a lot of money. And bare in mind, this is despite my dad's family being practically made of money. But no, they never step in to help us when we're in trouble. It's always my mum's family who more often than not have even less than us.

Right now I am really upset about how little money I am going to have to live off of when I go to uni. I refuse to take out a loan because I don't want to be in even more debt. But my mum and I were talking about my granddad the other day, and she said that if he were around now, he would have made sure I didn't worry so much about it. He'd have got me through the next few months and helped me with those first few steps towards my degree and the rest of my life.

I'm so proud for everything he achieved. He may not have had the most fantastic education or career, but what he did do, he did well. And he was a someone that not only the family could look up to, but the community. So many people knew my granddad. And I only know this because I have no idea who these people are, but sometimes I get randomers approach me who know exactly who I am: "Cyril's granddaughter."

My little cousin who will be 3 in the summer even knows about him. He died before she even existed in any form, but she knows who 'Granddad Deri' is. I was even talking to Miki yesterday about how she calls the squirrels outside my nan's house "Cyril".

Like I said... I miss him. But he had a good life, and he's made a huge impact on mine, so I guess now I just had to do my best for him. <3