31st May 2011

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been looking through eBay at chess sets, but I took a small detour a long the OH-SO-CUTE FIGURES route!

I know I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't help it... I've gone and bought EIGHTEEN Mario related figures for only £15.32. Yup, that includes P+P!

Here's the pictures of them all:

HOW CUUUUTTEEE?!?!!?!

I've also put a bid on these adorable disney princess figures!

If I win that, it'd come to £18.22 for 26 figures, which would work out as about 70p each!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

:D

17th May 2011

First exam tomorrow. It's the one I didn't pay for or know I was entered into until my timetable arrived! I am doing some revision for it now and I'm actually not too worried about it. If I don't do that great, then oh well, I haven't wasted any money and I still have a D from before. But if I do well, then yay!

I've had a rocky past few days. Had my first proper argument with Marko. That was horrible. And then another one the next day because in effect we aided a girl in dumping her boyfriend, which led to me losing a friend.

It was the right thing to do... I understand that now. But it really upset me at the time and a lot of crap has happened since which has left me a little emotionally drained...

But yeah, Marko and I have sorted ourselves out. We're awesome again now. And I'm starting to feel less guilty about what's happened.

12th May 2011 (2)

On the topic of death, it's obviously reminding me a lot of my granddad.

He died June 27th 2007. So it's coming up to 4 years ago.

I miss him a lot. Especially at the moment because we are going through so much crap, and I know he would have set things right or made them significantly better.

I also know he would be proud of me and show me that pride. I don't feel like I'm getting the support or appreciation I need from my family. I know where I want my life to head and I'm trying really hard, and I also know that I don't actually need their support or approval or whatever to get me there, but it would be a big boost to my confidence and self assurance if I did. But I know for a fact if he was here, he would show it and make the rest of my family feel ashamed at themselves for bringing me down.

He was such a family man. Nothing was more important that his family's happiness and wellbeing. He didn't have a lot of money, so he spent it wisely on the right things. And when my brother and I were kids, that usually meant spending it on trips out with us and such.

And any time there were financial issues he would step in if he could and help us, because we too have never had a lot of money. And bare in mind, this is despite my dad's family being practically made of money. But no, they never step in to help us when we're in trouble. It's always my mum's family who more often than not have even less than us.

Right now I am really upset about how little money I am going to have to live off of when I go to uni. I refuse to take out a loan because I don't want to be in even more debt. But my mum and I were talking about my granddad the other day, and she said that if he were around now, he would have made sure I didn't worry so much about it. He'd have got me through the next few months and helped me with those first few steps towards my degree and the rest of my life.

I'm so proud for everything he achieved. He may not have had the most fantastic education or career, but what he did do, he did well. And he was a someone that not only the family could look up to, but the community. So many people knew my granddad. And I only know this because I have no idea who these people are, but sometimes I get randomers approach me who know exactly who I am: "Cyril's granddaughter."

My little cousin who will be 3 in the summer even knows about him. He died before she even existed in any form, but she knows who 'Granddad Deri' is. I was even talking to Miki yesterday about how she calls the squirrels outside my nan's house "Cyril".

Like I said... I miss him. But he had a good life, and he's made a huge impact on mine, so I guess now I just had to do my best for him. <3

12th May 2011

I've had a good few days socially.
And today I got an A in both my Maths and Physics papers.

But I'm starting to deflate a little because Marko's grandfather died last night, and it's hitting me hard.

I didn't know him, but it's just one more person I knew of that has died this year already.

And of course unrelated to that it's upsetting me because he is upset about it.

But yeah. I'm just going to name and briefly explain those that have passed away just to get it out of my mind. I don't want to seek people's attention by going 'oh look at me and how many people have died, boohoo!'. I just want to type everything out so it's put down and then maybe I can have some relief from that. I haven't bottled any of this up, but I haven't like.. recorded it down anywhere either. So here goes..

I don't know who died when, it's all a little blurry now. But the most tragic one was Theo Kawala. He went to my primary and secondary school, and was only 16. He drowned in the river after a night out. It took almost a month to find his body. I didn't know him personally. I probably only ever spoke to him once or twice. But I knew his sister. She's beautiful, and so is their younger sister. And I can just feel their pain. I just think about how similar my brother was to him. In age and being a young lad n such. And I can't stand the thought of losing my brother like that.

There was also a girl his age who died from cancer. Her name was Suman (I can't spell it) and in primary school she suffered terribly with cancer. I don't know which type, but you could just see how poorly she was. When I went to secondary school, the last I'd heard about her was that she was recovering. And then suddenly the next thing I heard was she died. That shocked me so much. Her family must be going through hell. They lost their youngest daughter when I was in primary school as well. So that's two daughters who have died from cancer in one family.

Another person who was younger than me who died was a guy called Kieran in my year at school. I don't have a clue how he died though. But that too was a shock.

All the others were adults. Two were parents of my friends. One girl's dad, and another girl's mum. Both to cancer.

Another two were because of swine flu. One was my neighbour and she's left two young children behind. The other was my dad's friend's wife. She was only around 25, and had just fallen pregnant. She was in a coma for around 6 weeks.

Then there was my uncle's bestfriend's mum. Didn't know her at all, but it really upset my uncle as it was a second mum to him so that hurt me a lot. And also his great grandmother died about 3 weeks ago. That one hasn't been so painful to me because she was 102 (or 103?) years old. She sounded like an amazingly strong woman and she had a really good life.

So far that has been the only death I've "accepted" because it seemed natural. The rest just feel like they were all taken way too soon.

I feel like I've missed someone out though....

Either way, I pay my respects to each and every one of them. And anybody else who has died recently.

<3

10th May 2010

I fail at the whole blogging thing don't I? :P

Right, this is gonna be a long one (that's what she said) so either brace yourself or just go look at something else now haha.

Okay so 10 mins have just passed and I haven't typed anything. This is going well.

I'll start with an update on my exam timetable. Paul was right with the dates. I have got 6 exams in a row. One every day for a week, then another one on the following monday. However, I've been entered into an extra exam! That actually blew my mind for days. Not necessarily the good kind of mind blowage though. (Another hour has just passed. Oops!) Anyway, I'm retaking C2 from AS Maths because at AS I got ADD, and I tried to retake both the D papers last year (one in Jan, the other June) and got E and U instead! So I figured I'd give C2 another chance because I got on really well with C3 this year (I got an A, 4 grades up from last June!). I paid for it, and also paid for the FP1 resit as I didn't do as well in that as I'd hoped. So yeah, they're both on my timetable, but random M1 has appeared! I asked Paul and he said he hadn't entered me in for it, and I definitely haven't paid for it. But he's told me to just give it a go anyway as I got a D in it, so if I don't do well then it's not he end of the world but if I do, then it's great news.

I have been having quite a few headaches recently though. Like, more so than usual. And I know it's because of the stress. I've also not been sleeping well and had quite a few arguments with my family because I'm on edge. But everyone is telling me to calm down and that I'll be fine and so on. I just hope I can muster as much faith in myself as everyone else seems to have in me.

I'm also getting extremely stressed about university. I was added into a UCLan 2011 group, and people have been putting what flat they'll be in, and through that I found one of my flatmates. She seems friendly, and I don't want to prejudge, but speaking to her and another girl who's in the same block as me and also seeing other peoples posts had made me realise what I'm going to be surrounded by...

I don't have anything personal against alcohol and partying and sex and whatnot. I just don't want to be around that sort of thing. But it's made me realise I can't really escape it. Chances are, even if it's not in my flat, it's going to be happening in my block. So... just urgh yeah. Cried to my mum and Marko about this a few times. My mum asked me if I have an alternative for accommodation, so I told her straight that Marko has offered to take me in, but oh the look I got for that....

I've also realised the problems I'm having with a certain friend doesn't matter. If we're going to drift apart, then so be it. We all change and we all meet new people (or re-meet old people) and adapt to our own environments and become more or less compatible with certain people. So, if I'm unhappy with how she is and she doesn't seem to realise it, it show we aren't compatible anymore and we're just naturally drifting. In a way I suppose I'd rather it went like that because then there's the chance to improve, and atleast we haven't had a big falling out.

I've mainly come to that conclusion though because I've made a couple of awesome friends lately.

Although I've known of Luke for 3 years, it's only been this academic year that we actually spoke and started hanging out. He's been amazing to me at college and over the last few months outside of college too. The last month or so it's really kicked off and he's become one of my best friends I think. I can be my silly-self around him, whereas before at college I was always on edge.

I've also become very good friends with Miki, a school friend of Marko's (I've literally just found out they've known eachother since Primary school - awwwww!) and over the last few days especially I've had some amazing conversations with him, and I think it's heading to the 'best friend' zone too!

I think, even with all the stress, things are looking up and I just can't wait to get college out of the way. Once my exams are done, I'm going to try forget about results day and such because it'll ruin my entire summer. I'm just going to have as much fun as I can (without spending any money coz I have to save every last penny for uni!) and prepare as much as I can for when I leave. If it turns out I haven't got the grades for uni then.. oh well. I'll try again or do something else.

Well....... that'll be my attitude in theory.

I was going to put more but I can't be bothered now :) I keep getting distracted so I'll cut this short and update more another time.

OH ACTUALLY WAIT!

Marko made a video for my chess board in minecraft!



And now I'll end this post with the most amazing photo EVER.
THE MIKICHU!

3rd May 2011

:'(

1st May 2011

I am a bit lost now.

I made my decision. But I regret it bitterly already.

I decided to go with uni accommodation, but after accepting the offer I then find out I have to pay for it in two (instead of the usual three which most places ask for) installments. The first in September is nearly £2,000 which is more than I will be getting from my maintenance loan + grant. So I will literally have ZERO pounds to live off of. I don't know how I am going to do it.

The second installment has to be paid in January and is around £1,700 so I will have about £300 to last me til Easter, if I'm lucky.

We are going to ring up on Tuesday and ask if it is possible to do it in three installments instead. I can afford the place, but not in two massive lump sums like that. If they split it into around £1,200 each time, I will have enough to live off of between each payment. But otherwise... well, I just can't do it.

I hate all of this. It's just so ridiculous. I just want to go to study and get a nice job out of it. Why do they have to make that so difficult?

Why does everyone complain how people from lower income families are lazy, never aspire to do better, always have crap jobs or education, etc? It's no surprise when the system is made for people with money. How can anyone get anywhere without it? I do have aspirations. Very high ones. But how can I live up to them if I don't have the money to get me there?

It's PATHETIC.

I just... I don't know. I wish there was a better way, or a way out of all of this.

Sigh.