4th May 2012

The fact I'm writing this is just pointing out even worse how easily I turn things around to be about me... But I'm a blogger. I always get urges to blog things. I always need to blog things or write them by hand sometimes. I don't know why, I just need to get this out.

I care so much about James and when I can see something is wrong, I want to know what's up and how I can help, and when it's apparent that I've done something wrong or that I can't help, it makes me sad, and then things get turned around to him trying to cheer me up instead.

It's stupid and selfish and I honestly hate myself for it.

Of course, feeling guilty for upsetting someone or not knowing how to cheer someone up isn't a bad thing in itself, but making that known and making the other person feel the need to cheer you up instead of have themself be cheered up IS wrong and makes things very one sided.

I just wish I knew what to do or say...

22nd February 2012

Once again, a lot has happened which I CBA updating on here. But most importantly, we've now sorted a house for the next academic year. I'll be living with James, Kit and Stoyan.

I'm considering paying the extra rent and sort of moving in before September... I really don't like the thought of being at home for nearly 3 months. The one month at christmas was hard enough.. And that was split into two weeks at a time.

I mean, I'd go home for.. I dunno.. One or two weeks... Then spend one week in Derby, maybe... Just so it splits things up. And then I'd also have more chance of seeing people over the summer instead of being lonely at home. Also, it'd mean if I went to stay with James in Yarmouth I could lie and say I was in Derby and my parents wouldn't have any reason to doubt that.

I am so glad to have gotten away from Peterborough at last, so it bugs me to think I have to keep going back. I don't even like going back to visit my family. I know I sound so selfish and ungrateful. I do miss them a lot, but then no matter how much effort I put in to visit them and to have a nice time with them, I always end up feeling miserable.

Derby is a really nice place and I've met some amazing people which make it even better. When I do my work placement in a year and a half-ish, I want to stay in this area if it's possible. I think going back home for a year to work would be really silly. Financially it would be awesome - having a job but living with my family so I could save for the following year - but emotionally it'd just do me in.

But meh, we'll just have to see how things pan out.

5th February 2012

I'm not going to do a proper update kind of post, I'm just going to type about a very specific thing because it's on my mind and making me particularly happy (and kinda sad) right now.

I'm talking to James about cuddles, specifically during sleep. I'm getting all warm and fuzzy thinking about the amount of times we've fallen asleep in each other's arms, then during the night ended up rolling away from each other but then waking up to him wrapping his arms around me. It's such an amazing feeling. I mean, firstly there's the obvious sudden warmth against me which feels sooo good. But then there's the gentle squeeze as he pulls me close and all the love and comfort that oozes from him and washes over me... And most of the time he's half asleep when he does it so he's super cute and mumbles things.

That's usually if I've got my back to him. If we happen to be facing each other and I feel him stir, I love opening my eyes and seeing him look down at me, then shuffle closer and open his arms out for me to snuggle into.

I basically love any opportunity I get to cuddle him, but it really is the sleepy snuggles which are the most amazing. The silence and darkness (and cold!) just makes me so much more aware of the fact it's just me and him and our bodies and emotions and just yeah <3 I love it and I miss it soooo much...

14th January 2012

Rant time.

I don't understand what weird backwards logic goes through my father's mind.

He used to joke about setting me up an arranged marriage, but my mum and I quickly knocked that one on the head. Now he's all up for me picking my own partner, but if I so much as mention a male name (even if they're a fictional character) or look at a guy in the street, I'll get glared at as if he's silently accusing me of being a whore.

He's found out about me being friends with Luke and already my mum is getting sick of how often he asks her whether Luke is my boyfriend or if he is the sole reason I went to Derby uni. He also doesn't like the thought of me potentially having male flatmates or living with guys from September. But honestly, I've lasted a whole semester and I'm pretty sure I'm doing alright.

How can he seriously expect me to find a decent and loving man if he won't allow me to have any exposure to men? How am I supposed to know the difference between a man who is right for me and one who is not?

I'm glad that I've always gone behind his back. Most of the best friends I've ever had have been male and I don't like to think I could have missed out on such good memories and friendships just because of their gender.

I've also learnt a lot by myself about the world and the people within it which he thinks I'm incapable of doing. He honestly still sees me as his naive little girl who should only worry about crayons and fairies.

I'd love to know exactly what he expects me to do about my future husband and family. He always goes on about them, yet he does everything in his power to stop it from happening.

Good thing I'm not the doormat he expects me to be.

9th January 2012

[15:52:45] James: 9x - 7i > 3(3x-7u)     solve for i
[15:53:17] yazpanda: i hate inequalities ;-;
[15:55:02] James: do eet
[15:55:39] yazpanda: 3u > i ?
[15:56:36] yazpanda: or i > 3u ._. i hate them because i always get them the wrong way
[16:05:00] James: i < 3u
[16:05:24] yazpanda: so 3u > i was right?
[16:12:56] James: yeah, but not as cute :3
[16:13:13] yazpanda: OH I GET IT
[16:13:19] yazpanda: <333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

I have had the best Christmas for many years. It has been a very happy day and I have enjoyed it so much. Well... all up until a few minutes ago, anyway. But that's no ones fault. I was going to watch Doctor Who but the boy in it is called Cyril. That's just really upset me because that was my Granddad's name. He should have been here with us today... But yeah, I think my memory has just completely blipped out because I don't remember saying I'd save watching Doctor Who for when I was with James, but I'll be doing that anyway now because I just can't handle it on my own and I'd much rather enjoy it with him.

Right, I wanted to get that sad bit out of the way so I can now think about all the nice things that happened and type about them for the rest of this post!

I'll start with last night. I was feeling low thinking about it all and how I was sure it was going to be another crap Christmas. To cheer myself up, after checking my bank balance to see if the money that should have gone back into my account actually did, I decided to buy James and my mum a present each. I felt bad that the gifts I'd tried to buy James hadn't been able to be delivered and that I hadn't gotten him anything since, other than a game on steam. So, I spent ages looking through loads of different things online. I was going to order again from ThinkGeek, but they're so expensive, I figured I could get him some novelty things another time when I had a bit more to spend. He already knows what I've bought him so it doesn't matter if I explain it here, so none of my millions of readers need to worry about that!

So yeah, I spent ages looking at other things, and in the end I decided to look at pocket watches. I know he loves the one he has but he wanted to get another, so I thought I'd have a look at the sort of prices there were for different styles... Turned out I really couldn't afford the ones I'd love to get him. I also figured, as it's quite a big thing for him, I'd rather he picked the one he really wanted and either buy it for him or contribute some money towards it. So yeah, I happened to stumble across a nice wrist watch then, which lead me to looking at other wrist watches. I figured, instead of getting him a pocket watch, I'd find him a similar styled wrist watch. Especially as I was falling more and more in love with them. I found this particular one which just had me completely taken. I even joked that if he didn't like it, I'd gladly keep it for myself!

Then I spent a while looking for a gift for my mum. I was first looking at jewellery, but she likes to buy her own beads and stuff cheaply, so I thought she'd much rather I got her something sentimental rather than something she could buy herself. I then looked at little personalised ornaments, but they were all either too tacky looking or too expensive. I honestly couldn't find anything in the middle. So then, I started looking at plaques. Things with nice personalised messages on that were relatively plain and would look nice placed anywhere. I know she likes things like that as well. I ended up buying her a heart shaped one, with a smaller heart and buttons decorating it, which reads "Always my mum, forever my friend." She often says how we've become friends in the last few years so I think she will really appreciate that.

After saying goodnight to James, I couldn't sleep and ended up going on facebook on my phone. I noticed I had a new message, and it was from Cody Sumter, a researcher at MIT who created Minecraft.Print(). He and his partner created a program that would print out 3d objects of things made in Minecraft, and earlier in the year he had asked me if he could use my Companion Cube to test it. It was a success and since then I have really wanted to have my own cube. It's quite expensive to get things 3d printed though, and I loved the thought of having a cube all the way from MIT. However, I was too much of a chicken to ask him if I could have it, so my friend Miki asked on my behalf. He had originally asked if I could have it for my birthday, but three months later I have finally had a response asking me for an address to have the cube shipped to! I am ridiculously excited for this! How many people can say that they have the Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube, printed out in 3D from Minecraft, shipped all the way from MIT? It's like the ultimate geekgasm for me!

So yeah, after then going back to my laptop and announcing this to James and then dailybooth (and texting Luke crazily), I tried to sleep again. It failed and I came up with another Christmas present for James. This one is something I'm not telling anyone about, not even him until he gets it, and I've got to get to work this next week to make it. It's gonna be hectic coz it's quite a big thing. I then went downstairs to find a couple of things I'd need for this present.

While I was downstairs and had just put everything away, my mum came in. We spoke a little bit about presents and then she said how upset she is that she will be getting nothing at all. I was going to say well neither will I, but then I'd be lying coz there's all the things that James has bought me and I'm going to include the Comp Cube as a gift too! It made me feel really bad though, but I was glad that I could surprise her. Hopefully her plaque will arrive within the next week.


Well, I'm a miserable failure. I started writing this Christmas evening, and only got up to there. It's now the 8th of January... Well, I might as well continue writing this and include New Year!


I woke up Christmas morning quite early, which was surprising considering I didn't get to sleep til around 3-4am. I went downstairs to go to the bathroom and my mum and nan were already cooking our christmas dinner (well, lunch).

When I came out of the shower my mum told me to wake my brother, and while I did I could give him his bag of presents. I was so confused... a bag of presents? And apparently there was one for me too... ??

I went back upstairs and found the two big bags. I started crying before I'd even picked them up.

With everything that has gone on, especially in the last few months, my mum has tried so hard to make sure this Christmas was special. I didn't even want to open any of them. I didn't care what she had got me... It's just the fact I was now sat on my bed looking at a [very adorable cat on the] bag and realising that no matter what was in there or how much money it was worth, my mum really loves us and wants to make us happy, even if it costs her her last penny.

In the end I gave in and opened them. She bought me new gloves - the fingerless ones with the mitten part, as they're my favourite kind - and my favourite coconut shower gel.. Which is quite handy as I forgot to bring some home with me so I can use that here now. She also bought me a tin of Heroes chocolates, and an awesome campervan door mat. It will go very well in my room at uni and at least I now won't have to worry too much about when it rains/snows and getting my room mucky! It'll also be great next year when we have our own house. I'll be able to add a bit of my quirkiness to the place.

After that and a lovely phonecall from James, most of the food had finished cooking so my uncle came to pick us up. Since my granddad died, we've spent christmas at my aunt's house. Although for the last couple of years, it's kind of mainly been because of there being little children with presents flying around the place.

When we got there, the mountain of opened presents was huge, but the mountain of unopened presents was even bigger! I wanted to get right in there and open it for them. I miss having so many things to rip through, haha.

I won't go into detail about the whole day because I'm too lazy to type it all. We were there for maaany hours, afterall. But yeah, it was a lovely and on the whole drama free day. I really enjoyed watching my cousins enjoying themselves.

There was one moment not long before we left when one of my cousins had a tantrum. She'd been up since 4am and not had a nap once, so she was getting very tired as the adrenaline wore off. She wanted to play on her new scooter, which had not yet been put together, so had a tantrum about it. While my aunt and brother took the dog for a walk, I sat her on my knee and cuddled up, and within a couple of minutes she fell asleep. My nan then helped me lay her down on the sofa and she was still asleep when we left! I felt very cosy having her fall asleep on me like that, and it was a lovely end to the visit.

Then going back to the start of this blog - the only thing that put a downer on the day was the Doctor Who thing!


Moving onto New Year.

I went to stay with James for the weekend. Just before I left, there was a huge do with my dad which resulted in me quickly walking away to the bus station while my brother called the police on him. I was so thankful that I was heading to see him so I could just forget the rest of the world.

We were staying at his grandparents house because they have a spare room with a double bed. And also they're in the main town rather than outside it so it was more convenient.

Again, I'm not going to go into too much detail. That's for my private diary. But I'll type up some of the main points.

I got there on the Friday evening, and on the Saturday morning we had to get up quite early so that his mum and nan could do some crafting and so that we could go to Norwich to pick up his phone. At the train station, we met his friends Abby and Jess. They're lovely... and hyperactive. And both commented on how short I am! Waah!

While in Norwich, we went to Pizza Hut for lunch. It was the first time we'd had to sit opposite eachother while eating. It's kind of been our "thing" to sit next to eachother. Easier for snuggling and I am more comfortable communicating that way. It's not that I feel uncomfortable having him sat opposite me.. It's just that I am such an awkward person in general, I feel less in the spot light that way. But I got through it! And I only slightly embarrassed myself a couple of times. He embarrassed me the most though. I noticed that children were having fruitshoots as drinks, so I made a comment that I really wanted one too... So while our waiter walked by, James asked for one for me! I honestly felt like such a baby!

But saying that.. I still have the bottle a week later and I refill it every night with water. I'm so cool.

While on our way back to the train station to head back to Yarmouth, a hobo asked for some change. James gave him what was in his pocket and as we were walking away, he shouted back to us "Get married!" It made my morning/early afternoon!

That evening we watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights and just snuggled up for a quiet evening. It had been a long day and although we could have gone out to drink, we decided on staying in. At about quarter to 12, James had dozed off. We'd set an alarm for midnight because I really wanted a midnight kiss. Almost missed it because I'd forgotten I'd put my phone on complete silence so that the "Happy new year" texts didn't wake us! But yeah, at midnight I woke him, we kissed and said happy new year, and then we both dozed off. Then at about 12:15, I can't remember what woke us, but he asked me what the time was and then was sad that we'd missed midnight. He honestly could not and still can't remember me waking him! But I shouldn't complain. I got another kiss hehe...

New year's day itself was lovely. We had a big roast dinner with his grandparents and mum. I felt very much at home with them, and as today is Sunday and I've just had a roast with my mum and nan, I'm actually missing him and his family.

There was one moment which I can't help but laugh about. It was just pure comedy gold. While having dessert, James asked "how's your mum?"... I wasn't paying an awful lot of attention so responded "what, mine?"... It took me a moment to realise why that was so funny and everyone else was cracking up. Obviously, James was sat opposite his mum so knew how she was, and his mum's mum was sat next to her, so he also knew how she was, and his mum's mum's mum is no longer around, so it would have been silly to ask. It was too funny for me to be embarrassed and I'm actually laughing at it again now!

After everything was cleared up and James and I had been little children playing with the cracker toys, we went upstairs and watched Doctor Who. It was a crap episode, really. Well, I liked the ending, and that was about it. Thoroughly disappointed!

After that he showed me his Star Wars characters, a bit of Skyrim, and he tried playing some Amnesia but he had a really bad headache so came off after a few minutes. We spent a lot of time then just snuggling and talking about random things. It was the perfect start to the year for me, despite being worried about him feeling unwell.

Monday was supposed to be our last day together, and a couple of his friends had invited him out for a meal... At Pizza Hut. So it was the second time within a weekend that we'd had a meal at Pizza Hut! I met Towny and Emmie, and they were lovely too. They were definitely the sort of people that I would have naturally become friends with anyway, so I felt very comfortable in the group. After the meal we went to Emmie's house and played some Rock Band and generally had a giggle.

Afterwards, we were going to go to a pub to meet Sketch, as I'd already met him on Facebook (long story there hehe...) so wanted to meet him in person too. However, as it had been a long day and was already gone 7pm, with both of us needing to pack up some stuff ready for the morning and James needed to do some work, we cancelled with him and James rearranged for the following day after work, although I would have been in Derby.

That night was awful for me. I was in a lot of pain and feeling really rough, and didn't get any sleep at all. When James woke up, he found me sat up crying with the pain. I would have had to go through 7+ hours of travelling to get back to Derby because I had an exam on Wednesday. However, because of all the pain, James and his nan advised against travelling and instead I was taken to the walk-in clinic. I was prescribed some strong painkillers and spent most of the day sleeping/laying in bed once they'd kicked in. We went to see Sketch later in the day and like everyone else, he was lovely and it was great to put a face to the name.

Unfortunately I missed the exam on Wednesday and instead travelled straight home. But even that was a bit of a struggle while drugged up, so I don't know how I'd have coped the day before if he hadn't of taken me to the doctors.

I am very grateful for James looking after me while I was unwell. It meant so much to me to wake up in his arms and just have him smiling down at me. I felt like such a nuisence for causing him to have a day off work and spending an extra night at his nan's, but it also made me really appreciate what I have and what I don't ever want to lose.

So yeah... That was my Christmas and New Year in a nutshell. A very long and drawn out nutshell... In general they were very good and I am looking forward to what 2012 has to bring.

23rd December 2011

I'm very lonely right now.

I keep seeing people posting on Facebook about the great time they're having with their friends at home, and how everyone is trying to grab time with them and whatnot.

I've been home almost a week and I haven't heard anything from any of my "friends."

I've told people I'm here, and it's even all over Facebook. But not a single person from school or college has acknowledged we are within a few minutes of each other.

I have had an invite from Vicky to play minecraft and have hot chocolate, but I don't think she realises the Uni situation. She said it because I happened to make a big fuss of her now playing the game.

The only person I really have is Luke. But he is a 30 minute drive away and, if we even had a car, it'd be difficult for me to go see him. And although he has a car, it's even more difficult/risky for him to come here.

I feel very let down by a certain girl who I won't name because I don't like to look bitchy. But I need to vent and get my thoughts/feelings out. It's not like anyone reads this, and if they are and they know who I mean, then I don't think they will tell her. But maybe it will be good if they do. I'm very bad at confronting people or expressing how I feel if they have upset me. That's why things have gotten this bad. So although I am about to type about how upset I am, I know that I am just as much to blame as she is.

In the second year of college, she changed a lot. She has always been fairly materialistic. Don't get me wrong, she's a very loving person and wouldn't trade her friends for the world, but there's no denying that as well as the people she loves, money and all the latest gadgets make her very happy too. I noticed this when we were in school, but it seemed to be in our second year of college that it stepped up a gear. I suppose the two highest contributing factors were her 18th birthday and therefor getting a large amount of money, and also her getting very close to a girl whose family is a lot more well off than her own.

Because of that, she went out more. She went drinking, on day trips, bought and received random gifts, etc. These were all things I could not do. I don't like drinking, and I wasn't allowed to go out because of my dad, and I couldn't afford all of these expensive gifts.

We drifted. The closer she got to the other girl, the further apart we got. Things especially got worse because I couldn't go on holiday with a group of them. During that summer I barely saw her. She was going to Uni and I had another year at college. I cried a lot that summer because I didn't have anyone. I missed her and I dreaded her leaving because at least I got to see her every so often. It may not have been much, but it was something.

I went to visit her a week after she moved to Uni because it was my birthday. I had a nice weekend but I can't help but feel she didn't enjoy it as much as when she's spent time with the other girl. I saw that when she went up to visit, they did a lot of other things and there are so many photos of them together looking so happy.

That college year actually turned out to be my best in the end. Although I spoke to her less and less, I got closer and closer to Luke. He became my rock. When things were hectic, I only had to look forward to our next maths lesson together and I felt alright. We helped each other a lot academically and he helped me a lot emotionally. I also had Marko to help me, but it was different with Luke because it was only friendship. We didn't really talk much about personal stuff to begin with. He just made me happy by being good company. And that was something I had completely lost with anyone else.

When my friend came home for Christmas, I barely saw her. She spent all her time with the other girl. The time I got with her felt like it was slotted in between her plans with the other girl. I did try to tell her how I felt. But she received the message while she was on her way to the cinema to meet the other girl, and took a detour to pick me up and invite me into their plans. I know she meant well, but it only proved my point. I had no idea of these plans before so she clearly had no intention of inviting me, and I was literally slotted in smack bang in the middle. 

I've just realised it's made me sound like I don't like the other girl... I got on well with her too. The whole group we had at college in our second year was great and I loved them all dearly. But there were definite splits within the group where some people got on more than others, and those two were one of them.

Another example is from her last birthday. We went to Alton Towers. It took a lot for me to get the money to go and I hadn't got her a birthday present, so while we were there, I used some of the money that my nan gave me for Easter to buy her anything she wanted in the gift store. She still made a big fuss about the fact that I hadn't got her anything beforehand and that it was a "cop out" for me to get her something while we were there.

I honestly would have thought that the important part was that I was there. That I'd put in a lot of effort to fight against my dad to allow me to go as well as to afford to even go in the first place. But of course, the other girl had outshone me in the present department and that was all that mattered.

The summer that just passed was another relatively lonely one. It was very stressful because of domestic issues as well as university and my relationship and all sorts of other emotional stresses. I barely saw her. She went on two big holidays abroad with the the girl. Now how in the world could I have possibly competed with that?

I wanted to do the maths course at the same Uni as her. It's a good Uni and a good course, and at first it was a bonus she was there. It was also a bonus that Marko was close by. But with everything happening, I couldn't do it anymore.

I found a better course and it happened to be at the Uni that Luke applied for. He even thought it looked like an awesome course so I knew I'd found a winner. 

As hurt and broken as I am over losing one best friend, I am grateful to have gained another, and to be able to be at university with him. It's the best decision I've ever made. The course, although I am going off maths, is amazing and has now led me onto something even better for my second year, and I have met some amazing people, James included.

The pain that has been caused as a consequence is unfortunate and hurts me a lot, and I regret some things so bitterly because of it.

But I hope to fix a lot of things in time. Very slowly. But I don't believe my former friendship with her is something that can be fixed now. She's a very different person to those that I want to surround myself with. I don't care for money or the latest gadgets or clothes or trips to musicals or whatever. I care for sentiment and effort. Fair enough that sometimes that involves buying a gift... But for someone to expect gifts is wrong.

I still worry that she's ok if I see something is wrong on Facebook, but most of the time I barely think of her now. Only when I miss the time that she actually cared about me and not about excitement and presents.

But then I have to wonder whether things really would have been any different if I'd have spoken up a bit more. It's only been the last few months that I've found my voice and told people when I'm not happy. And some things haven't been affected by it but others have change drastically. I wonder if this situation would have been any different whether I'd have said more or not.

Oh well... Enough blabbering. Basically, I'm lonely. I miss my friends at Uni and I miss James. I also miss Marko. Even all the hours we sat in silence, at least we weren't alone.

Another thing... I've just pasted all of this into the new post box and wrote the title and thought to myself "Christmas is in two days..."

It makes me wonder what she's looking forward to. Being at home with her parents, or the mountain of presents she will be getting? I don't get presents. I haven't for years. I mean, my mum tries to get little things, like chocolates, and my nan always gives us money. But it's pennies compared to what she gets. And I'm fine with it. Last Christmas was the worst Christmas of my life. I got the same as every year, but we didn't spend it with the family or have Christmas dinner. I hated it and cried most of the day away. This year I get to be with my family and I am so grateful for that. And this new year I get to spend it with James and his family. I feel incredibly lucky to have that opportunity and I honestly cannot wait.

Okay I'm making myself cry now. That's enough of my depressing crap for one blog post...

Edit: one more thing, I just remembered, as a demonstration of her materialism.... At Easter, as I'd spent my money on Alton Towers, I didn't get her an Easter egg. You must bare in mind that she was the only person since school that I ever bought Christmas, birthday or Easter gifts for. That year I'd not gotten her an egg. I was at her house and she showed me the egg she had bought the other girl. She also showed me the one she'd got herself and her parents. I figured she wasn't showing me mine as she wanted it to be a surprise. I'm not saying I expected one, of course, but it seemed logical that if she was buying them for those close to her, that I would be included. It turned out that because she knew I hadn't got her one... She didn't get me one either.

Needless to say, it hurt me a lot that I was simply disregarded because I could not keep up with her and the other girl's spending habits.