I haven't blogged on here for a long time. I haven't even looked at the blog so I can't remember what the last thing I posted was. I'm just going to do a massive ramble and see where this goes.
I am now at Derby university studying Mathematical and Computer Studies. However, for my second year I am most likely transferring to Computing (although I think it's having a name change to Computer Science).
University has been the best thing to happen to me for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that I have enjoyed my independence and having my own space. Another is that I've thrived and re-discovered an old interest which was a hobby at the time, but may become something more in the future (programming, for those interested). I have also made some awesome friends and had some great times with them.
Moving onto the main reason: James Hunt. When I was waiting for my offer from Derby through clearing, I searched videos about the uni on youtube. James had made a comical student guide and I commented on it, which led to us talking and becoming close. He's on his placement year so not actually studying at the university again until next September.
I unfortunately cheated on Marko with James, and have since got into a relationship with him.
We've been together for 2 months now, and he's just gone back home after spending 2 weeks here with me. I feel really lost now that he's gone, and although I have a lot of work to do and some tidying and laundry and whatnot, I just can't get the motivation to do it because I'm moping.
During that moping I accidentally stumbled across Marko's tumblr again, and read something about what I have supposedly done to him. He says I cheated on him over a month and he begged me to stop every day. I don't know why, but I feel the need to set the record straight. I cheated on him, I told him a day or two later, and I called for a break in the relationship. We were no longer together when I then saw James again and things progressed with him. Therefore, I cheated on him for one day, not an entire month before ending things with him. I also don't appreciate him putting a certain personal detail in his blog about me... but whatever. No point in being petty, is there?
It also states that I begged to keep him in my life. Yes, I did to begin with, because we were good friends and I don't like the thought of losing people in my life. But the way he has put it has made it sound like it was all an act, or done so that I could be horrible to him more. I didn't deliberately hurt him and I didn't enjoy it either. I went from being a good girlfriend and friend in general to his worst nightmare in a mere few days, and that is heart breaking for me. I know what I've done to him which makes it even worse for me. So I know there could be no hope in hell that I'd ever do that to someone deliberately.
Anyway, I suppose I better try do some work as I have to do a presentation in a few days and it's nowhere near finished...
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
6th September 2011
Well, I failed at finishing the previous post. I'm afraid it's going have to stay like that now.
I was going to mention I had been looking up things to do with Derby, which included videos on youtube... So I'll put it all here instead. I came across a video made by a student, which had a plug for the Computing and Gaming Society. I loved the video and loved the sound of the guy who'd made it, especially as Luke and I had already been stalking the society's website. But yeah, I got talking to him. His name is James and he has become a very good friend.
Unfortunately things have deteriorated with Marko because of this. Well, it was the final push to cause things to really kick off.
I met up with James and I had the best day ever. I felt so happy, comfortable, appreciated, etc. It was perfect. I would post photos but I'm doing this on my phone so I can't right now.
So anyway...
Actually, I'm going to address the rest to Marko. We are having a few days completely apart, including deleting each other off of Facebook, to see what happens. I have this weird feeling that he will come on this blog, so yeah...
Marko, I am sorry for everything that has happened. But I am mostly sorry for how little I regret it. I did have an amazing time and I do wish for more. My biggest regret is what it is doing to you. I am ashamed to now be able to say I have actually cheated on you, and when you have told people about it, it hurts a lot to realise that. But I really do not feel any shame for the act itself. It was with a guy who really cares for me, and for who I really care about, and it all felt very natural and right.
I don't believe I can get back with you. I do love you. You are one of my best friends and first loves. I adore you and care about you, so I will always be here for you. I want the best for you, and despite what you think, I KNOW that it is not me. I'm not saying it in my usual "I'm just putting myself down because I'm insecure" way, I'm saying it from a standing back looking in position. I've spent a lot of the day just looking at what our relationship was, who you are, who I am, etc. and I just don't believe I am the one for you.
There is also something I need to mention just to get it out while I think of it... As I said before, I feel comfortable with James. I don't mean to hurt you with this, but I don't feel comfortable with who I am with you. Mostly about my appearance really. I feel under pressure to look or think a certain way with you. That's why I hate showing you my body and also why I am very scared to see you in person. I don't sit right in my own skin just at the thought of you seeing me. Whereas with James, although I was initially worried he'd be disappointed, I was still comfortable enough to see him and after the first few seconds I felt fine. There were obviously moments where I got shy about my body but it was more from an inexperienced point than a "I really don't want you to look at me" way.
I don't want you to do anything stupid to yourself. You are an intelligent guy, with a lot of potential and a new job which although isn't as great as you could do, it can still open up a lot of opportunities. And as you said, you can do it from anywhere. I still want you to come visit me at uni and I will still come up to see you. I want to remain close because it does hurt to think I've lost you. But right now I just can't be in a relationship with you. I need to be me, to experience things for myself and to grow up/mature. And I want you to do the same. You've had a very rough start in life, and things are still really hard, so I want you to do the best you can to make the most of what you have. And you do still have me. Always. I'm not going anywhere, it's just we are taking a step back. We are no longer in a relationship but instead are incredibly good friends. I still want to have ridiculously long skype calls with you, and some nights even sleep on mic with you. I want to play games with you, watch movies and tv shows, discuss current affairs, debate religion and politics, etc. The only thing I no longer feel is right to do is be a couple. Though I wouldn't argue against you cooking for me if you still want to!
I hope you will be ok. I am so sorry for all of this. As you always say to me... Chin up <3 you will be ok. You do still have me!
I was going to mention I had been looking up things to do with Derby, which included videos on youtube... So I'll put it all here instead. I came across a video made by a student, which had a plug for the Computing and Gaming Society. I loved the video and loved the sound of the guy who'd made it, especially as Luke and I had already been stalking the society's website. But yeah, I got talking to him. His name is James and he has become a very good friend.
Unfortunately things have deteriorated with Marko because of this. Well, it was the final push to cause things to really kick off.
I met up with James and I had the best day ever. I felt so happy, comfortable, appreciated, etc. It was perfect. I would post photos but I'm doing this on my phone so I can't right now.
So anyway...
Actually, I'm going to address the rest to Marko. We are having a few days completely apart, including deleting each other off of Facebook, to see what happens. I have this weird feeling that he will come on this blog, so yeah...
Marko, I am sorry for everything that has happened. But I am mostly sorry for how little I regret it. I did have an amazing time and I do wish for more. My biggest regret is what it is doing to you. I am ashamed to now be able to say I have actually cheated on you, and when you have told people about it, it hurts a lot to realise that. But I really do not feel any shame for the act itself. It was with a guy who really cares for me, and for who I really care about, and it all felt very natural and right.
I don't believe I can get back with you. I do love you. You are one of my best friends and first loves. I adore you and care about you, so I will always be here for you. I want the best for you, and despite what you think, I KNOW that it is not me. I'm not saying it in my usual "I'm just putting myself down because I'm insecure" way, I'm saying it from a standing back looking in position. I've spent a lot of the day just looking at what our relationship was, who you are, who I am, etc. and I just don't believe I am the one for you.
There is also something I need to mention just to get it out while I think of it... As I said before, I feel comfortable with James. I don't mean to hurt you with this, but I don't feel comfortable with who I am with you. Mostly about my appearance really. I feel under pressure to look or think a certain way with you. That's why I hate showing you my body and also why I am very scared to see you in person. I don't sit right in my own skin just at the thought of you seeing me. Whereas with James, although I was initially worried he'd be disappointed, I was still comfortable enough to see him and after the first few seconds I felt fine. There were obviously moments where I got shy about my body but it was more from an inexperienced point than a "I really don't want you to look at me" way.
I don't want you to do anything stupid to yourself. You are an intelligent guy, with a lot of potential and a new job which although isn't as great as you could do, it can still open up a lot of opportunities. And as you said, you can do it from anywhere. I still want you to come visit me at uni and I will still come up to see you. I want to remain close because it does hurt to think I've lost you. But right now I just can't be in a relationship with you. I need to be me, to experience things for myself and to grow up/mature. And I want you to do the same. You've had a very rough start in life, and things are still really hard, so I want you to do the best you can to make the most of what you have. And you do still have me. Always. I'm not going anywhere, it's just we are taking a step back. We are no longer in a relationship but instead are incredibly good friends. I still want to have ridiculously long skype calls with you, and some nights even sleep on mic with you. I want to play games with you, watch movies and tv shows, discuss current affairs, debate religion and politics, etc. The only thing I no longer feel is right to do is be a couple. Though I wouldn't argue against you cooking for me if you still want to!
I hope you will be ok. I am so sorry for all of this. As you always say to me... Chin up <3 you will be ok. You do still have me!
Saturday, 27 August 2011
27th August 2011
I've been meaning to update this but any time I start, I get distracted and then some how lose everything I've already typed.
Lets give it another go then!
I got my results just over a week ago. B in Maths, D in Physics and E in Further Maths... aha. But that means for my A2 subjects I have BCD (C from Sociology last year). It wasn't enough for UCLan, and I couldn't even get onto tracking to see whether I'd got a place at Sheffield Hallam (which I didn't actually want to go to anyway) so I rang Derby.
I'd been looking at different courses just in case for weeks, and had found Mathematical and Computer Studies at Derby. I fell in love with the course and I am so glad I was prepared. I was offered a place through clearing, and now it's all confirmed and I've got accommodation and all that jazz!
I leave in three weeks (well, tomorrow). The only sorta meh thing about it is that I'm going the day before my birthday. It would have been nice to have stuck around at home for my birthday. BUT it could be fun to be around a load of new people too, so yeah...
The major downfall about not getting into Preston is that I won't be close to Marko. We were banking on me moving up there. We were also banking on me staying with him for at least a week when I first get up there (as I could commute to the uni for important things) and then staying at his every weekend, or every other if I couldn't afford it. We've had so many small arguments and got niggly with eachother lately, because I don't know when I can go up there. There's obviously the issue of money on both our parts, but also the time. He could come down here now that I'm at my nan's, but he can't stay here and obviously he can't afford a hotel... I'm sure we will work something out. If I have enough free days during freshers fortnight I will try get up to see him.
But yeah, speaking of being at my nan's.... We've finally left home for good. There was a huge physically fight between my dad and brother and a lot of nasty words thrown about, and that was that... My mum, brother and I got up and left. It's been a bumpy couple of weeks and things are still getting worse, but at least we're not living among it 24/7. We've got our safety and relief here. I just wish I had all my stuff here too! GAH!
I'll type some more up later. I'm posting this now so that I don't lose it. *distracted*
Lets give it another go then!
I got my results just over a week ago. B in Maths, D in Physics and E in Further Maths... aha. But that means for my A2 subjects I have BCD (C from Sociology last year). It wasn't enough for UCLan, and I couldn't even get onto tracking to see whether I'd got a place at Sheffield Hallam (which I didn't actually want to go to anyway) so I rang Derby.
I'd been looking at different courses just in case for weeks, and had found Mathematical and Computer Studies at Derby. I fell in love with the course and I am so glad I was prepared. I was offered a place through clearing, and now it's all confirmed and I've got accommodation and all that jazz!
I leave in three weeks (well, tomorrow). The only sorta meh thing about it is that I'm going the day before my birthday. It would have been nice to have stuck around at home for my birthday. BUT it could be fun to be around a load of new people too, so yeah...
The major downfall about not getting into Preston is that I won't be close to Marko. We were banking on me moving up there. We were also banking on me staying with him for at least a week when I first get up there (as I could commute to the uni for important things) and then staying at his every weekend, or every other if I couldn't afford it. We've had so many small arguments and got niggly with eachother lately, because I don't know when I can go up there. There's obviously the issue of money on both our parts, but also the time. He could come down here now that I'm at my nan's, but he can't stay here and obviously he can't afford a hotel... I'm sure we will work something out. If I have enough free days during freshers fortnight I will try get up to see him.
But yeah, speaking of being at my nan's.... We've finally left home for good. There was a huge physically fight between my dad and brother and a lot of nasty words thrown about, and that was that... My mum, brother and I got up and left. It's been a bumpy couple of weeks and things are still getting worse, but at least we're not living among it 24/7. We've got our safety and relief here. I just wish I had all my stuff here too! GAH!
I'll type some more up later. I'm posting this now so that I don't lose it. *distracted*
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
10th August 2011
Marko: It's okay, I'm a big boy... In more ways than one.
Me: Yeah, your big cuddly tummy.
Marko: Like your big cuddly boobs.
Me: .... And your big nuzzle-able nose?
Marko: I'll nuzzle my big nose on your clit.
O_O uhh.....
Me: Yeah, your big cuddly tummy.
Marko: Like your big cuddly boobs.
Me: .... And your big nuzzle-able nose?
Marko: I'll nuzzle my big nose on your clit.
O_O uhh.....
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
27th June 2011
Well... Fail @ my last post. I was trying out an app which obviously doesn't know the meaning of new lines. I'll edit that the next time I'm on a computer.
I've been watching loads of Yogscast minecraft videos the last few days. Hooked on them! And it's really made me want to take part in making a role play server.
I think I prefer making and organising role playing than actually doing it. When Marko and I were organising the slothix/playwow ones it was really fun, but I was less enthusiastic about actually doing them! So I'd rather be someone helping out building and then being an "extra" to watch it all unfold and help it move on, than to fully take part in it when it gets going.
CBA writing much more. Time for bed! I'll end this with a couple of things from skype convos that made me giggle.
My brother:
Bibo 17:04
weeeyyyy its cracked the 3rd decimal place of pie
yazpanda 17:04
Pi*
Bibo 17:05
pie
yazpanda 17:05
Pi*
Bibo 17:05
pie
yazpanda 17:05
Pi*
Bibo 17:05
Pi*
yazpanda 17:05
pie
Bibo 17:05
i win!
Bibo 17:05
yey
yazpanda 17:05
Yay*
Bibo 17:05
yey
yazpanda 17:05
Yay*
Bibo 17:05
yey
yazpanda 17:05
Yay*
Bibo 17:05
Yay*
yazpanda 17:06
YOUR MUM
Bibo 17:06
crying face
yazpanda 17:06
^_^
Bibo 17:06
im gona go have a kebab with jonny :)
yazpanda 17:06
Is that what they call it nowadays?
Discussing G+:
yazpanda 15:56
Yeah :) and it's nice to be a part of it when it's still a baby
Akki 15:57
you can get arrested for that sorta thing you know ;) :P
I've been watching loads of Yogscast minecraft videos the last few days. Hooked on them! And it's really made me want to take part in making a role play server.
I think I prefer making and organising role playing than actually doing it. When Marko and I were organising the slothix/playwow ones it was really fun, but I was less enthusiastic about actually doing them! So I'd rather be someone helping out building and then being an "extra" to watch it all unfold and help it move on, than to fully take part in it when it gets going.
CBA writing much more. Time for bed! I'll end this with a couple of things from skype convos that made me giggle.
My brother:
Bibo 17:04
weeeyyyy its cracked the 3rd decimal place of pie
yazpanda 17:04
Pi*
Bibo 17:05
pie
yazpanda 17:05
Pi*
Bibo 17:05
pie
yazpanda 17:05
Pi*
Bibo 17:05
Pi*
yazpanda 17:05
pie
Bibo 17:05
i win!
Bibo 17:05
yey
yazpanda 17:05
Yay*
Bibo 17:05
yey
yazpanda 17:05
Yay*
Bibo 17:05
yey
yazpanda 17:05
Yay*
Bibo 17:05
Yay*
yazpanda 17:06
YOUR MUM
Bibo 17:06
crying face
yazpanda 17:06
^_^
Bibo 17:06
im gona go have a kebab with jonny :)
yazpanda 17:06
Is that what they call it nowadays?
Discussing G+:
yazpanda 15:56
Yeah :) and it's nice to be a part of it when it's still a baby
Akki 15:57
you can get arrested for that sorta thing you know ;) :P
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
26th July 2011
Yesterday was fun. It took over 2 hours to get to Stamford because we went to Spalding to pick Emma up, then Cottesmore to get Aileen. In total Jade did 4-5 hours driving! She did very very well for a new driver!
But yeah, once we got to Stamford I fell out of the car which highly amused Emma. I ought to tell her I've now got two lovely bruised knees! Then we had a quick visit to New Look before heading to the meadows for our picnic.
The picnic itself wasn't very successful because Emma managed to sit on some wet grass and Jade managed to sit under a load of flies. Although, it was interesting watching a youth group play some weird games, but not so interesting spotting two separate kids going for a piss.
After getting sick of the flies we got up to find somewhere else to sit and ended up heading towards a free bench.... Which had no seats. So after getting rid of the rubbish we started walking through the adjoining field just chatting and wandering through... When we decided to turn back and head to town in the hunt for ukuleles. We had seen one of the youth group guys playing one while having our picnic and while walking we said how cool it'd be if we all got one as they were only around £20. So yeah, we walked to the nearest music shop..... But they were £30+! Aileen then suggested Argos so that was our next destination.
Argos had one pink and one natural ukulele left, so Jade bought the pink and Emma bought the natural. I am quite jealous because they look so cute and fun, but thinking about it.. I don't I'd ever really play with it!
After that we went to Aileen's house for a while and then dropped Emma home then back to Peterborough.
I was very tired when I got back because I didn't get much sleep and later in the evening I started getting a migraine. It took 4 hours for me to get to sleep, though!
Today I'm feeling a little sore. My shoes are broken at the bottom so with all the walking yesterday it's hurt the bottom of my feet. And my head hurts a bit from last night. I also feel a bit meh. My laptop has been dead for over a week now and I'm waiting for the charger to arrive. It said it'd be here last Friday/Saturday so I'm slightly annoyed at that, especially as the laptop my brother gave me to use in the meantime doesn't even work properly.
I don't know what to do with myself. I should really tidy my room and start sorting out packing but I just can't be bothered today.
Meerrhhhhh...
Saturday, 23 July 2011
23rd July 2011
It's always nice to know how successful your ex's life has been since you left it.
Anyway.... Went to the cinema on Tuesday with Jade, James M and my brother. We watched the final Harry Potter movie. Second time I've cried in the cinema now! It was a really good movie. The only thing I wasn't too happy about was the dismissal of deaths. Well, for the Deathly Hallows in general, they didn't focus enough on those that had died. I know there's a huge limit on time and what they can realistically fit into the movie(s) but I really don't think they handled it well. I don't want to give any spoilers away (not that I have anyone reading this for me to spoil anything for them anyway =/) but I just felt like they either mentioned the deaths, did a sad face and then carried on with the film with very little thought or reference back to that person... or they showed a small sad scene with some 'noooooo's, crying and hugging... and again, that was that. Nothing more said or done about it. Whereas when a certain little elf died... Okay, how could anyone NOT know Dobby dies? Everyone's made a fuss about it. Even I had and I hadn't seen part 1 until Monday!!.. but yeah, look at what a huge fuss has been made over that? And why? Because it was a huge thing in the film. They even had a little ceremony for him! But we didn't see anything like that for anyone else. Or any*thing* else. There's a certain other animal that I wish they'd have given a proper send off to. Although at the time it was a bit too dangerous. But she was so beautiful and loyal and brave and I don't feel like they honoured her properly in the film!
Kay shutting up now.
Anyway.... Went to the cinema on Tuesday with Jade, James M and my brother. We watched the final Harry Potter movie. Second time I've cried in the cinema now! It was a really good movie. The only thing I wasn't too happy about was the dismissal of deaths. Well, for the Deathly Hallows in general, they didn't focus enough on those that had died. I know there's a huge limit on time and what they can realistically fit into the movie(s) but I really don't think they handled it well. I don't want to give any spoilers away (not that I have anyone reading this for me to spoil anything for them anyway =/) but I just felt like they either mentioned the deaths, did a sad face and then carried on with the film with very little thought or reference back to that person... or they showed a small sad scene with some 'noooooo's, crying and hugging... and again, that was that. Nothing more said or done about it. Whereas when a certain little elf died... Okay, how could anyone NOT know Dobby dies? Everyone's made a fuss about it. Even I had and I hadn't seen part 1 until Monday!!.. but yeah, look at what a huge fuss has been made over that? And why? Because it was a huge thing in the film. They even had a little ceremony for him! But we didn't see anything like that for anyone else. Or any*thing* else. There's a certain other animal that I wish they'd have given a proper send off to. Although at the time it was a bit too dangerous. But she was so beautiful and loyal and brave and I don't feel like they honoured her properly in the film!
Kay shutting up now.
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