23rd December 2011

I'm very lonely right now.

I keep seeing people posting on Facebook about the great time they're having with their friends at home, and how everyone is trying to grab time with them and whatnot.

I've been home almost a week and I haven't heard anything from any of my "friends."

I've told people I'm here, and it's even all over Facebook. But not a single person from school or college has acknowledged we are within a few minutes of each other.

I have had an invite from Vicky to play minecraft and have hot chocolate, but I don't think she realises the Uni situation. She said it because I happened to make a big fuss of her now playing the game.

The only person I really have is Luke. But he is a 30 minute drive away and, if we even had a car, it'd be difficult for me to go see him. And although he has a car, it's even more difficult/risky for him to come here.

I feel very let down by a certain girl who I won't name because I don't like to look bitchy. But I need to vent and get my thoughts/feelings out. It's not like anyone reads this, and if they are and they know who I mean, then I don't think they will tell her. But maybe it will be good if they do. I'm very bad at confronting people or expressing how I feel if they have upset me. That's why things have gotten this bad. So although I am about to type about how upset I am, I know that I am just as much to blame as she is.

In the second year of college, she changed a lot. She has always been fairly materialistic. Don't get me wrong, she's a very loving person and wouldn't trade her friends for the world, but there's no denying that as well as the people she loves, money and all the latest gadgets make her very happy too. I noticed this when we were in school, but it seemed to be in our second year of college that it stepped up a gear. I suppose the two highest contributing factors were her 18th birthday and therefor getting a large amount of money, and also her getting very close to a girl whose family is a lot more well off than her own.

Because of that, she went out more. She went drinking, on day trips, bought and received random gifts, etc. These were all things I could not do. I don't like drinking, and I wasn't allowed to go out because of my dad, and I couldn't afford all of these expensive gifts.

We drifted. The closer she got to the other girl, the further apart we got. Things especially got worse because I couldn't go on holiday with a group of them. During that summer I barely saw her. She was going to Uni and I had another year at college. I cried a lot that summer because I didn't have anyone. I missed her and I dreaded her leaving because at least I got to see her every so often. It may not have been much, but it was something.

I went to visit her a week after she moved to Uni because it was my birthday. I had a nice weekend but I can't help but feel she didn't enjoy it as much as when she's spent time with the other girl. I saw that when she went up to visit, they did a lot of other things and there are so many photos of them together looking so happy.

That college year actually turned out to be my best in the end. Although I spoke to her less and less, I got closer and closer to Luke. He became my rock. When things were hectic, I only had to look forward to our next maths lesson together and I felt alright. We helped each other a lot academically and he helped me a lot emotionally. I also had Marko to help me, but it was different with Luke because it was only friendship. We didn't really talk much about personal stuff to begin with. He just made me happy by being good company. And that was something I had completely lost with anyone else.

When my friend came home for Christmas, I barely saw her. She spent all her time with the other girl. The time I got with her felt like it was slotted in between her plans with the other girl. I did try to tell her how I felt. But she received the message while she was on her way to the cinema to meet the other girl, and took a detour to pick me up and invite me into their plans. I know she meant well, but it only proved my point. I had no idea of these plans before so she clearly had no intention of inviting me, and I was literally slotted in smack bang in the middle. 

I've just realised it's made me sound like I don't like the other girl... I got on well with her too. The whole group we had at college in our second year was great and I loved them all dearly. But there were definite splits within the group where some people got on more than others, and those two were one of them.

Another example is from her last birthday. We went to Alton Towers. It took a lot for me to get the money to go and I hadn't got her a birthday present, so while we were there, I used some of the money that my nan gave me for Easter to buy her anything she wanted in the gift store. She still made a big fuss about the fact that I hadn't got her anything beforehand and that it was a "cop out" for me to get her something while we were there.

I honestly would have thought that the important part was that I was there. That I'd put in a lot of effort to fight against my dad to allow me to go as well as to afford to even go in the first place. But of course, the other girl had outshone me in the present department and that was all that mattered.

The summer that just passed was another relatively lonely one. It was very stressful because of domestic issues as well as university and my relationship and all sorts of other emotional stresses. I barely saw her. She went on two big holidays abroad with the the girl. Now how in the world could I have possibly competed with that?

I wanted to do the maths course at the same Uni as her. It's a good Uni and a good course, and at first it was a bonus she was there. It was also a bonus that Marko was close by. But with everything happening, I couldn't do it anymore.

I found a better course and it happened to be at the Uni that Luke applied for. He even thought it looked like an awesome course so I knew I'd found a winner. 

As hurt and broken as I am over losing one best friend, I am grateful to have gained another, and to be able to be at university with him. It's the best decision I've ever made. The course, although I am going off maths, is amazing and has now led me onto something even better for my second year, and I have met some amazing people, James included.

The pain that has been caused as a consequence is unfortunate and hurts me a lot, and I regret some things so bitterly because of it.

But I hope to fix a lot of things in time. Very slowly. But I don't believe my former friendship with her is something that can be fixed now. She's a very different person to those that I want to surround myself with. I don't care for money or the latest gadgets or clothes or trips to musicals or whatever. I care for sentiment and effort. Fair enough that sometimes that involves buying a gift... But for someone to expect gifts is wrong.

I still worry that she's ok if I see something is wrong on Facebook, but most of the time I barely think of her now. Only when I miss the time that she actually cared about me and not about excitement and presents.

But then I have to wonder whether things really would have been any different if I'd have spoken up a bit more. It's only been the last few months that I've found my voice and told people when I'm not happy. And some things haven't been affected by it but others have change drastically. I wonder if this situation would have been any different whether I'd have said more or not.

Oh well... Enough blabbering. Basically, I'm lonely. I miss my friends at Uni and I miss James. I also miss Marko. Even all the hours we sat in silence, at least we weren't alone.

Another thing... I've just pasted all of this into the new post box and wrote the title and thought to myself "Christmas is in two days..."

It makes me wonder what she's looking forward to. Being at home with her parents, or the mountain of presents she will be getting? I don't get presents. I haven't for years. I mean, my mum tries to get little things, like chocolates, and my nan always gives us money. But it's pennies compared to what she gets. And I'm fine with it. Last Christmas was the worst Christmas of my life. I got the same as every year, but we didn't spend it with the family or have Christmas dinner. I hated it and cried most of the day away. This year I get to be with my family and I am so grateful for that. And this new year I get to spend it with James and his family. I feel incredibly lucky to have that opportunity and I honestly cannot wait.

Okay I'm making myself cry now. That's enough of my depressing crap for one blog post...

Edit: one more thing, I just remembered, as a demonstration of her materialism.... At Easter, as I'd spent my money on Alton Towers, I didn't get her an Easter egg. You must bare in mind that she was the only person since school that I ever bought Christmas, birthday or Easter gifts for. That year I'd not gotten her an egg. I was at her house and she showed me the egg she had bought the other girl. She also showed me the one she'd got herself and her parents. I figured she wasn't showing me mine as she wanted it to be a surprise. I'm not saying I expected one, of course, but it seemed logical that if she was buying them for those close to her, that I would be included. It turned out that because she knew I hadn't got her one... She didn't get me one either.

Needless to say, it hurt me a lot that I was simply disregarded because I could not keep up with her and the other girl's spending habits.

8th December 2011

I am SO angry right now. Just SO SO SO angry.

It takes a lot to make me this angry. Beyond the point that I'd usually be in tears by now.

When I get pissed off, I cry. But I'm just SO FREAKING beyond that.

I know that I have very little right to be this angry, though. I can't help it. I'll be blunt, I'm on my period. I usually get tearful and sad, but this time I am just grumpy and that grumpiness has turned into pure anger.

It's not unprovoked, mind you. I made a request for a small private detail about me to be taken off of someone's blog, even though they didn't mention me by name, but no, that was just too much to ask.

Huge arguments later and I've just given up. I've upset them AGAIN and I'm angry with myself for that more than anything tbh!! I just give up. I'm not even going to try to reassure them because I'm so furious with myself and I'll just cock it up even more.

SERIOUSLY GET A FUCKING GRIP YASMIN.

Anger = not healthy.

5th December 2011

My laptop is being temperamental and I don't fancy doing an awful lot so I thought while I'm just lying in bed waiting for my phone to do something interesting, I'll write a blog post.

Once again I have forgotten what I posted in the previous one so I'm sorry if I repeat anything. Although, I'm not sure who I'm apologising to because no one reads this unless I specifically ask them to, and I'm also going to ramble on about something that's on my mind right now which I don't believe I've written about recently.

So yeah. Death. Fun topic to write about. Even more of a fun topic to read about. So once again I apologise to you, my lovely non-existent readers.

One of my friends posted a status on Facebook about some friends dying and how it's made him feel, and that we should enjoy the time we have with those close to us as they may not be there tomorrow. This has made me feel very appreciative of my life and those that are currently in it and have been in it, as well as making me feel upset and dreading the future.

I know this was not the intended effect but I can't help but feel the power of that reality. Absolutely anything could happen tomorrow and my life could turn around in a split second. My mum could get hit by a bus. My dad could be in a car crash. My brother could be stabbed. Luke could drown. James could... No, I'm going to stop there because I'm actually making myself cry now. But you see? Even just throwing out random examples, which are scarily plausible, make me completely dread what tomorrow has to bring.

I have already made a blog post about all of the people that died at the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011, so I won't go into detail about them now. But briefly referring to them - I was quite fortunate that although I knew of them and some played bigger parts in my life than others, none of them were a crucial part to my existence. It may be a bit dramatic to say this, but the people I named above in my examples (as well as a few others like my nan, aunt, cousins, etc.) define who I am and get me through each and every day. They are my life and I know that if I were to lose any of them, I'd lose a part of myself too. And I can say this with absolute certainty because it happened when my granddad died.

I miss him dearly and I know I should celebrate his life and what he has done for me and my family, and I'm not saying that I don't, but it is very hard to ignore the hole in my heart which he once filled.

I know that it's probably not long until I also lose my nan. And this thought terrifies me. It's hard enough to think about the possibility of any of us dying at any moment, but even worse when you expect it. It does not matter that she is 70 years old. A successful life does not depend on how long you have lived it, but how well it has been lived. Despite saying that and knowing that she and my granddad have had happy and, to them, fulfilling lives, it's still such a horrible thought to imagine that life being taken away. And so soon within my own life.

A lot of what I'm thinking about is selfish but I cannot help that. I don't want to lose anyone. I cherish every moment I have with them, but I want to have even more moments to cherish!

I'm going to now round off this part and go back to general blogging about my day to day life because I have really upset myself and I need to snap out of it.

Today I managed to finish my second POPS assignment. I wrote 4.5k words for a report, personal log and evaluation. Proud of myself, although I know some of it is complete crap. But I'll be happy with just passing. Anything above D- and I'm going to celebrate like I've won the lottery.

I've now got to do Mathematical Concepts for Monday, then POPS assignment 3 and the Programming Principles one for the 16th. So just under 2 weeks to get everything done - wheeeyy!

Tomorrow is the DCGS Christmas Party. Basically an evening of food, music and video games. And hopefully lots of giggles with my friends. Then next Monday is their Christmas Meal. I'm looking forward to a proper roast. The last one I had was at James's nan's and it reminded me how much I love them. I'm even going to have gravy with it!

But yeah, speaking of James, I miss him like mad. After spending basically 3 weeks together (minus the two days of me coming back to derby from his, before he came to derby too), it has been very difficult to adjust back to being on my own. It's been two weeks since he left and I'm still struggling. A lot.

I have to go home for Christmas, if for no other reason than my mum needs me. But I'm hopefully going to spend a few days around new year with James. Failing that, as it is just a [4 hour] bus ride to get to him, I could go for a day. I'm more likely to get away with that without my dad giving me hell for a billion years. Or even go one day, stay the night and come back the next. Hmmm do that on a weekend and get Sunday Roast... *drool* ... Ahem. Yeah. Whatever happens, I want plenty of cuddles and kisses, no matter how long I get with him.

And on that slightly happier note, I'll end this post there. Ciao for nao.