29th April 2011

1. Exam timetable
2. Accommodation
3. Marko
4. Other

1. Example timetable
I haven't received my proper timetable yet, but the dates my maths/physics teacher has got from the exam boards has left me feeling like an emotional wreck. I have got 8 exams, out of which 6 are in a row. In other words, I have a full week of an exam every day, followed by another one the next monday. I get extremely stressed out through personal pressure when I have exams spread out. My worst nightmare is two exams within a week. But this time, I have 6 within 8 days. SIX WITHIN EIGHT DAYS?!?!?
I really hope those dates are wrong.
I got so upset and worked up about yesterday. I was in fits of tears, shouting at Marko and my mum over it, and then ended up slamming the fridge door shut because my dad pissed me off and him then having a go at me about that.
It really wasn't a good day for my stress levels. I feel a little calmer today about it (thank you Marko) but I have other things to stress over now.

2. Accommodation
I got an offer for a room at uni yesterday. I've applied to go to UCLan (Preston) and they've offered me a room at iQ Kopa. It's the best accommodation there from what I've seen, which Jade has also confirmed from what she's heard and seen too.
The problem is I don't want to stay in a little flat on my own. I mean, I know I won't be completely on my own because there will be my "flatmates"... but I want to move in with Marko. His mum said I could, his sister has accepted it too, and we've really had it in our minds that I was going to. But I've always had doubts/insecurities and I think they are getting the better of me. I hate that they are because I really want to be with him, but at the same time I think it's better that I'm pushing myself away from that idea because I don't want to jeopardise things with him by throwing myself into the deep end.
I could still go to see him practically every weekend because it costs very little on the train from Preston to Warrington, and as things like TV and broadband are included in my rent, all the money I have left goes towards food, phone top ups, and whatever else I need, which will include travelling to his (and back to Peterborough occasionally).
I just feel like I need the peace of mind of having our own space. If I was with him all the time it could really ruin us. Not because there's anything wrong with either of us or our relationship, but because the little things can get out of hand. Including my own insecurities about myself. I'd constantly be worrying that I was gonna make a mistake and ruin things and then in the end I'd actually do that because I wasn't focussing on the right things. I also don't want it to get in the way of my uni education. I know he encourages me so much, but there are also issues within his family which will stop me as well my own distractions. Atleast while I'm on campus, I'm in the frame of mind of uni, and then when I'm at his, I'm in the frame of mind of 'life' and whatnot.

3. Marko.
I'm so scared about how this is going to affect him. I've always promised to protect him and that things will get better, but now it's me that's caused the disappointment and hurt. I don't want him to lose even more hope.
I hate to sound like a silly 14 year old girl who's obsessed with (what she thinks is) love, but I really do love him and I do want to try and have a life with him.
A long, happy life if possible.
And I do think it's possible.
But with everything that is happening at the moment, I can just see him slipper further and further into his depression and I feel helpless. I also feel like part of the problem now, because before it was all about me being there in a few months and saving him... but now I'm not.
Well, I may not be. I still haven't fully decided.
And even if I'm not, I still will be most weekends.
Argh I hate that I'm trying to reassure myself.
I should be sure of all of this, but I'm really not, and before I can even think about reassuring someone else, surely I have to be sure of it all myself?
I hate the complications of life. I just want things to go smoothly for once. Seriously, just for once.

4. Other.
I can't remember what else I was going to say now...
I needed to split this all up btw, just to try group things in my head.
I'm really struggling at the moment to work everything out and I think this whole blog thing is sort of helping but I don't know.
I also need to really sort money out. Whatever happens I need money. Whether it's the reservation fee, or actual money to buy things for when I move!!

Marko, I do love you. Please don't lose hope in life and our relationship. I will always try my hardest to make things work, and I'm sorry that I keep flitting between the two options, but the fact that I am flitting is telling me I should go with the more "stable" option.

<3 :(