I randomly wanted to do a blog post. Just to get a load of crap out of my mind. I was going to put it on tumblr but that has a more light hearted tone to it. Although sometimes I do blog on it, I don't really want this to be on there. I don't have anywhere else to put it as my old website is gone and any blogger accounts I had before haven't been used in a very long time. I'm also doing this on my phone as I currently have no laptop.
Anyway, blogger, today is 7 months since Marko asked me out. Things are going well with us. Very well, actually. I know you shouldn't pin your hopes and dreams just on one person/relationship when you are my age, and I'm not, but sometimes I feel like I could do that and it could still work out. But actually, he's reinforced my hopes and dreams and he's encouraging and supporting me with everything I want to do. But not like he's just going a long with it just because I say so, but because we talked everything through. We've discussed both of our values and goals in life and they are very similar and over the last few months we have both become more defined and sure of ourselves as individuals through encouraging eachother to explore our interests or how to achieve our goals, but we are also becoming very defined as a couple. I can picture a future with him in a very realistic way. Not the white picket fence version a lot of teenagers vision. We discuss money in a realistic way - what we are most likely to have if things go to plan according to our current paths, how we could achieve certain things like a home, careers, even what sort of food we would have. We know the sorta things which would be completely unrealistic to aim for, and how we can instead appreciate the smaller and more affordable things. We have even both agreed a smaller house would be preferable and concentrate more on making it a home, rather than having a big awesome looking house with awesome expensive things inside it.
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry to anyone reading this. Also, I'm probably not going to mention any specific things as this is a blog for me, not you. All that about what we have discussed is relevant to me and I know what I mean while I'm reading it back, so I'm not bothered if it's made very little sense to you.
Anyway, the next thing I wanted to say is that I feel very outcasted. I feel like I've lost my friendship with someone and they don't even realise what they are doing to me. I used to be able to tell them things, but now I'm always worried about being judged. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks as long as I am happy with myself, but this persons opinion has meant a lot to me for almost half of my life. I now feel like i have to tip toe around things or just keep my mouth shut completely. And the friendship I had before with them is growing with them and someone else. Tonight I read a couple of things that I can say have broken my heart. The actions/words themselves would mean very little to anyone else just reading them, but to me they are the icing on the cake. I feel like I should say something but I don't want to ruin things even more.
And you know what it all comes down to?
Alcohol and money.
I don't like drinking or the atmosphere it creates. I don't need alcohol to have fun, so yes in theory I could go out with them and not drink, however I don't like being around drunk people and I don't like clubs or pubs. I also wouldn't be able to get there and back. And I can't afford to do that, or go on other trips/activities/holidays. So as I can't provide all this fun, me and this person have drifted. And they have gotten closer to someone who is able to live up to the excitement.
The amount of times I've cried over reading their plans and seeing the pictures of them, while sitting there thinking about the different times I've wanted to arrange to do something but been told that they are busy for one reason or another.
And the amount of times I've wanted to talk about what is hurting me, and even more about what is making me happy, but then stopping myself because I feel like I'm on borrowed time so I'd rather "enjoy" it than waste it talking, and also feeling like I'd be judged or boring them by discussing it.
I'm realising more and more how different my values are to them. It's becoming more apparent as we both "grow up" and become ourselves. We are drifting at the same time as holding on just enough for our friendship to still mean enough to hurt that it's not meaning enough.
I can't type any more. For a start, I hate typing too long on an iPhone, and secondly I'm making myself cry and it's 12:30am so I should be trying to sleep instead.
I'm sorry if you are reading this and you know it's about you.
I do love you so much. You have helped me through shit tonnes and I have always done my best to support you too. But I don't know what's going on in your life anymore. Everything I know, I've learnt from Twitter or Facebook. We are drifting very quickly and it hurts a lot. I'm sorry that I can't even talk to you about this either.
Good night, blogger.
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