I'm lying in bed half asleep, listening to Marko's snoring. I feel content.
I'm not going to think about the rest of the world for a little while longer. I need to hold onto this feeling.
Saturday 30 April 2011
Friday 29 April 2011
29th April 2011
1. Exam timetable
2. Accommodation
3. Marko
4. Other
1. Example timetable
I haven't received my proper timetable yet, but the dates my maths/physics teacher has got from the exam boards has left me feeling like an emotional wreck. I have got 8 exams, out of which 6 are in a row. In other words, I have a full week of an exam every day, followed by another one the next monday. I get extremely stressed out through personal pressure when I have exams spread out. My worst nightmare is two exams within a week. But this time, I have 6 within 8 days. SIX WITHIN EIGHT DAYS?!?!?
I really hope those dates are wrong.
I got so upset and worked up about yesterday. I was in fits of tears, shouting at Marko and my mum over it, and then ended up slamming the fridge door shut because my dad pissed me off and him then having a go at me about that.
It really wasn't a good day for my stress levels. I feel a little calmer today about it (thank you Marko) but I have other things to stress over now.
2. Accommodation
I got an offer for a room at uni yesterday. I've applied to go to UCLan (Preston) and they've offered me a room at iQ Kopa. It's the best accommodation there from what I've seen, which Jade has also confirmed from what she's heard and seen too.
The problem is I don't want to stay in a little flat on my own. I mean, I know I won't be completely on my own because there will be my "flatmates"... but I want to move in with Marko. His mum said I could, his sister has accepted it too, and we've really had it in our minds that I was going to. But I've always had doubts/insecurities and I think they are getting the better of me. I hate that they are because I really want to be with him, but at the same time I think it's better that I'm pushing myself away from that idea because I don't want to jeopardise things with him by throwing myself into the deep end.
I could still go to see him practically every weekend because it costs very little on the train from Preston to Warrington, and as things like TV and broadband are included in my rent, all the money I have left goes towards food, phone top ups, and whatever else I need, which will include travelling to his (and back to Peterborough occasionally).
I just feel like I need the peace of mind of having our own space. If I was with him all the time it could really ruin us. Not because there's anything wrong with either of us or our relationship, but because the little things can get out of hand. Including my own insecurities about myself. I'd constantly be worrying that I was gonna make a mistake and ruin things and then in the end I'd actually do that because I wasn't focussing on the right things. I also don't want it to get in the way of my uni education. I know he encourages me so much, but there are also issues within his family which will stop me as well my own distractions. Atleast while I'm on campus, I'm in the frame of mind of uni, and then when I'm at his, I'm in the frame of mind of 'life' and whatnot.
3. Marko.
I'm so scared about how this is going to affect him. I've always promised to protect him and that things will get better, but now it's me that's caused the disappointment and hurt. I don't want him to lose even more hope.
I hate to sound like a silly 14 year old girl who's obsessed with (what she thinks is) love, but I really do love him and I do want to try and have a life with him.
A long, happy life if possible.
And I do think it's possible.
But with everything that is happening at the moment, I can just see him slipper further and further into his depression and I feel helpless. I also feel like part of the problem now, because before it was all about me being there in a few months and saving him... but now I'm not.
Well, I may not be. I still haven't fully decided.
And even if I'm not, I still will be most weekends.
Argh I hate that I'm trying to reassure myself.
I should be sure of all of this, but I'm really not, and before I can even think about reassuring someone else, surely I have to be sure of it all myself?
I hate the complications of life. I just want things to go smoothly for once. Seriously, just for once.
4. Other.
I can't remember what else I was going to say now...
I needed to split this all up btw, just to try group things in my head.
I'm really struggling at the moment to work everything out and I think this whole blog thing is sort of helping but I don't know.
I also need to really sort money out. Whatever happens I need money. Whether it's the reservation fee, or actual money to buy things for when I move!!
Marko, I do love you. Please don't lose hope in life and our relationship. I will always try my hardest to make things work, and I'm sorry that I keep flitting between the two options, but the fact that I am flitting is telling me I should go with the more "stable" option.
<3 :(
2. Accommodation
3. Marko
4. Other
1. Example timetable
I haven't received my proper timetable yet, but the dates my maths/physics teacher has got from the exam boards has left me feeling like an emotional wreck. I have got 8 exams, out of which 6 are in a row. In other words, I have a full week of an exam every day, followed by another one the next monday. I get extremely stressed out through personal pressure when I have exams spread out. My worst nightmare is two exams within a week. But this time, I have 6 within 8 days. SIX WITHIN EIGHT DAYS?!?!?
I really hope those dates are wrong.
I got so upset and worked up about yesterday. I was in fits of tears, shouting at Marko and my mum over it, and then ended up slamming the fridge door shut because my dad pissed me off and him then having a go at me about that.
It really wasn't a good day for my stress levels. I feel a little calmer today about it (thank you Marko) but I have other things to stress over now.
2. Accommodation
I got an offer for a room at uni yesterday. I've applied to go to UCLan (Preston) and they've offered me a room at iQ Kopa. It's the best accommodation there from what I've seen, which Jade has also confirmed from what she's heard and seen too.
The problem is I don't want to stay in a little flat on my own. I mean, I know I won't be completely on my own because there will be my "flatmates"... but I want to move in with Marko. His mum said I could, his sister has accepted it too, and we've really had it in our minds that I was going to. But I've always had doubts/insecurities and I think they are getting the better of me. I hate that they are because I really want to be with him, but at the same time I think it's better that I'm pushing myself away from that idea because I don't want to jeopardise things with him by throwing myself into the deep end.
I could still go to see him practically every weekend because it costs very little on the train from Preston to Warrington, and as things like TV and broadband are included in my rent, all the money I have left goes towards food, phone top ups, and whatever else I need, which will include travelling to his (and back to Peterborough occasionally).
I just feel like I need the peace of mind of having our own space. If I was with him all the time it could really ruin us. Not because there's anything wrong with either of us or our relationship, but because the little things can get out of hand. Including my own insecurities about myself. I'd constantly be worrying that I was gonna make a mistake and ruin things and then in the end I'd actually do that because I wasn't focussing on the right things. I also don't want it to get in the way of my uni education. I know he encourages me so much, but there are also issues within his family which will stop me as well my own distractions. Atleast while I'm on campus, I'm in the frame of mind of uni, and then when I'm at his, I'm in the frame of mind of 'life' and whatnot.
3. Marko.
I'm so scared about how this is going to affect him. I've always promised to protect him and that things will get better, but now it's me that's caused the disappointment and hurt. I don't want him to lose even more hope.
I hate to sound like a silly 14 year old girl who's obsessed with (what she thinks is) love, but I really do love him and I do want to try and have a life with him.
A long, happy life if possible.
And I do think it's possible.
But with everything that is happening at the moment, I can just see him slipper further and further into his depression and I feel helpless. I also feel like part of the problem now, because before it was all about me being there in a few months and saving him... but now I'm not.
Well, I may not be. I still haven't fully decided.
And even if I'm not, I still will be most weekends.
Argh I hate that I'm trying to reassure myself.
I should be sure of all of this, but I'm really not, and before I can even think about reassuring someone else, surely I have to be sure of it all myself?
I hate the complications of life. I just want things to go smoothly for once. Seriously, just for once.
4. Other.
I can't remember what else I was going to say now...
I needed to split this all up btw, just to try group things in my head.
I'm really struggling at the moment to work everything out and I think this whole blog thing is sort of helping but I don't know.
I also need to really sort money out. Whatever happens I need money. Whether it's the reservation fee, or actual money to buy things for when I move!!
Marko, I do love you. Please don't lose hope in life and our relationship. I will always try my hardest to make things work, and I'm sorry that I keep flitting between the two options, but the fact that I am flitting is telling me I should go with the more "stable" option.
<3 :(
Tuesday 26 April 2011
27th April 2011 2
I am so furious right now.
Marko's mum has just left him and his sister to fend for themselves with NO money at all.
They're even having to feed dog food to the cat.
What makes it ridiculous is that she's at her boyfriend's house with plenty of food and the money for more. While her children are at home having to ration what they eat.
It's pathetic and I wish there was something I could do. I'm not exactly swimming in money myself, but I keep offering to give them some but he's refusing to take it.
Sigh. Life is so stupid sometimes. Why is she so stupid? It's just stupid stupid stupid!
Marko's mum has just left him and his sister to fend for themselves with NO money at all.
They're even having to feed dog food to the cat.
What makes it ridiculous is that she's at her boyfriend's house with plenty of food and the money for more. While her children are at home having to ration what they eat.
It's pathetic and I wish there was something I could do. I'm not exactly swimming in money myself, but I keep offering to give them some but he's refusing to take it.
Sigh. Life is so stupid sometimes. Why is she so stupid? It's just stupid stupid stupid!
27th April 2011
I'm in a much better mood tonight. Not because my problem has been fixed, but because I've had a really good evening with some friends. I'm also quite pleased I can call them my friends. They are friends of Marko's and of course he has introduced me to them and over the last few months I've slowly become a part of the group. Online, at least. I can't wait to meet them all when I move up there. They're honestly such lovely guys and they make me laugh so much. I also adore how I can be myself with them. I mean, not 100% myself yet because I'm still a little shy but that's slowly getting better. I really enjoy their company and without even realising, they cheer me up so much.
Marko is also amazing at cheering me up alone. He let's me rant, gives his opinion or advice, and even when I have a little hissy fit he just deals with it and sorts me out again. I'm grateful for his honesty, and not just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. But also I'm so grateful for how caring, loving and gentle he is with me.
I'm on a high right now. High with love and adoration and I don't want to come back down. Ever.
Marko is also amazing at cheering me up alone. He let's me rant, gives his opinion or advice, and even when I have a little hissy fit he just deals with it and sorts me out again. I'm grateful for his honesty, and not just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. But also I'm so grateful for how caring, loving and gentle he is with me.
I'm on a high right now. High with love and adoration and I don't want to come back down. Ever.
Monday 25 April 2011
26th April 2011
I randomly wanted to do a blog post. Just to get a load of crap out of my mind. I was going to put it on tumblr but that has a more light hearted tone to it. Although sometimes I do blog on it, I don't really want this to be on there. I don't have anywhere else to put it as my old website is gone and any blogger accounts I had before haven't been used in a very long time. I'm also doing this on my phone as I currently have no laptop.
Anyway, blogger, today is 7 months since Marko asked me out. Things are going well with us. Very well, actually. I know you shouldn't pin your hopes and dreams just on one person/relationship when you are my age, and I'm not, but sometimes I feel like I could do that and it could still work out. But actually, he's reinforced my hopes and dreams and he's encouraging and supporting me with everything I want to do. But not like he's just going a long with it just because I say so, but because we talked everything through. We've discussed both of our values and goals in life and they are very similar and over the last few months we have both become more defined and sure of ourselves as individuals through encouraging eachother to explore our interests or how to achieve our goals, but we are also becoming very defined as a couple. I can picture a future with him in a very realistic way. Not the white picket fence version a lot of teenagers vision. We discuss money in a realistic way - what we are most likely to have if things go to plan according to our current paths, how we could achieve certain things like a home, careers, even what sort of food we would have. We know the sorta things which would be completely unrealistic to aim for, and how we can instead appreciate the smaller and more affordable things. We have even both agreed a smaller house would be preferable and concentrate more on making it a home, rather than having a big awesome looking house with awesome expensive things inside it.
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry to anyone reading this. Also, I'm probably not going to mention any specific things as this is a blog for me, not you. All that about what we have discussed is relevant to me and I know what I mean while I'm reading it back, so I'm not bothered if it's made very little sense to you.
Anyway, the next thing I wanted to say is that I feel very outcasted. I feel like I've lost my friendship with someone and they don't even realise what they are doing to me. I used to be able to tell them things, but now I'm always worried about being judged. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks as long as I am happy with myself, but this persons opinion has meant a lot to me for almost half of my life. I now feel like i have to tip toe around things or just keep my mouth shut completely. And the friendship I had before with them is growing with them and someone else. Tonight I read a couple of things that I can say have broken my heart. The actions/words themselves would mean very little to anyone else just reading them, but to me they are the icing on the cake. I feel like I should say something but I don't want to ruin things even more.
And you know what it all comes down to?
Alcohol and money.
I don't like drinking or the atmosphere it creates. I don't need alcohol to have fun, so yes in theory I could go out with them and not drink, however I don't like being around drunk people and I don't like clubs or pubs. I also wouldn't be able to get there and back. And I can't afford to do that, or go on other trips/activities/holidays. So as I can't provide all this fun, me and this person have drifted. And they have gotten closer to someone who is able to live up to the excitement.
The amount of times I've cried over reading their plans and seeing the pictures of them, while sitting there thinking about the different times I've wanted to arrange to do something but been told that they are busy for one reason or another.
And the amount of times I've wanted to talk about what is hurting me, and even more about what is making me happy, but then stopping myself because I feel like I'm on borrowed time so I'd rather "enjoy" it than waste it talking, and also feeling like I'd be judged or boring them by discussing it.
I'm realising more and more how different my values are to them. It's becoming more apparent as we both "grow up" and become ourselves. We are drifting at the same time as holding on just enough for our friendship to still mean enough to hurt that it's not meaning enough.
I can't type any more. For a start, I hate typing too long on an iPhone, and secondly I'm making myself cry and it's 12:30am so I should be trying to sleep instead.
I'm sorry if you are reading this and you know it's about you.
I do love you so much. You have helped me through shit tonnes and I have always done my best to support you too. But I don't know what's going on in your life anymore. Everything I know, I've learnt from Twitter or Facebook. We are drifting very quickly and it hurts a lot. I'm sorry that I can't even talk to you about this either.
Good night, blogger.
Anyway, blogger, today is 7 months since Marko asked me out. Things are going well with us. Very well, actually. I know you shouldn't pin your hopes and dreams just on one person/relationship when you are my age, and I'm not, but sometimes I feel like I could do that and it could still work out. But actually, he's reinforced my hopes and dreams and he's encouraging and supporting me with everything I want to do. But not like he's just going a long with it just because I say so, but because we talked everything through. We've discussed both of our values and goals in life and they are very similar and over the last few months we have both become more defined and sure of ourselves as individuals through encouraging eachother to explore our interests or how to achieve our goals, but we are also becoming very defined as a couple. I can picture a future with him in a very realistic way. Not the white picket fence version a lot of teenagers vision. We discuss money in a realistic way - what we are most likely to have if things go to plan according to our current paths, how we could achieve certain things like a home, careers, even what sort of food we would have. We know the sorta things which would be completely unrealistic to aim for, and how we can instead appreciate the smaller and more affordable things. We have even both agreed a smaller house would be preferable and concentrate more on making it a home, rather than having a big awesome looking house with awesome expensive things inside it.
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry to anyone reading this. Also, I'm probably not going to mention any specific things as this is a blog for me, not you. All that about what we have discussed is relevant to me and I know what I mean while I'm reading it back, so I'm not bothered if it's made very little sense to you.
Anyway, the next thing I wanted to say is that I feel very outcasted. I feel like I've lost my friendship with someone and they don't even realise what they are doing to me. I used to be able to tell them things, but now I'm always worried about being judged. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks as long as I am happy with myself, but this persons opinion has meant a lot to me for almost half of my life. I now feel like i have to tip toe around things or just keep my mouth shut completely. And the friendship I had before with them is growing with them and someone else. Tonight I read a couple of things that I can say have broken my heart. The actions/words themselves would mean very little to anyone else just reading them, but to me they are the icing on the cake. I feel like I should say something but I don't want to ruin things even more.
And you know what it all comes down to?
Alcohol and money.
I don't like drinking or the atmosphere it creates. I don't need alcohol to have fun, so yes in theory I could go out with them and not drink, however I don't like being around drunk people and I don't like clubs or pubs. I also wouldn't be able to get there and back. And I can't afford to do that, or go on other trips/activities/holidays. So as I can't provide all this fun, me and this person have drifted. And they have gotten closer to someone who is able to live up to the excitement.
The amount of times I've cried over reading their plans and seeing the pictures of them, while sitting there thinking about the different times I've wanted to arrange to do something but been told that they are busy for one reason or another.
And the amount of times I've wanted to talk about what is hurting me, and even more about what is making me happy, but then stopping myself because I feel like I'm on borrowed time so I'd rather "enjoy" it than waste it talking, and also feeling like I'd be judged or boring them by discussing it.
I'm realising more and more how different my values are to them. It's becoming more apparent as we both "grow up" and become ourselves. We are drifting at the same time as holding on just enough for our friendship to still mean enough to hurt that it's not meaning enough.
I can't type any more. For a start, I hate typing too long on an iPhone, and secondly I'm making myself cry and it's 12:30am so I should be trying to sleep instead.
I'm sorry if you are reading this and you know it's about you.
I do love you so much. You have helped me through shit tonnes and I have always done my best to support you too. But I don't know what's going on in your life anymore. Everything I know, I've learnt from Twitter or Facebook. We are drifting very quickly and it hurts a lot. I'm sorry that I can't even talk to you about this either.
Good night, blogger.
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